But the fact is that before menopause our sex life was virtually nonexistent and now its pretty much the same thing. This work can reduce destructive patterns while introducing positive ones. This is not what I signed up for. She still comes to bed late a lot of the time shell say its because of work or whatever but its the usual I hope hes asleep tactic which is stupid because I havent tried to initiate sex with her in over a year. We ALL have our shortcomings but thats NOT an excuse to not do our best. In our 15 year relationship (5 dating, 10 married), I have almost always been the one to initiate. Anyway we started having more and more discussions about why the sex was becoming in frequent and inconsistent. It sounds like youve made your decision. Women dont care about sex. My suggestion is to schedule once a week date night. He is a great guy. We were both virgins and she was never sexually abused as a child. On days when she has little pain I have tried to initiate or ask her if she was up to any level of intimacy only to be called and treated like some insensitive, heartless, cruel monster. Wouldnt kiss me goodnight. Sexless Marriage Causes and Cures | Psychology Today Are You Tolerating A Sexless Marriage? - Since My Divorce So I guess this is sacrifice. Counselors keep saying, There are other ways to be intimate. But when your husbands desire template isnt you, that is devastating. Sadly, I think you learn more about what to ask and talk about after youve made the commitment and you start realizing the real differences. After 5 and 1/2 long years of several counselors, it turns out that he has a sex addiction to masturbation AND an aversion to the female sex organ. If I left he would be devastated but I feel I did not do this. The back door sex which she actually would offer up on occasion in the first five years of our marriage of course has gone away. Life is too short to die a slow death of loneliness when you love someone. If your wife hasnt cheated yet, she will and she will say that it was your fault that she didnt feel a connection. As we work through the divorce, she asks me for advice and help fixing up the house that she is getting in the settlement. I am now figuring out how to leave in a peaceful way, and hope that I can find someone in the future that will love me as much as I love them. There is blame both ways to what caused our marriage to become sexless and wont take the time to explain it all here but I would rather spend my time working on me and being with my daughter than going back on the market. Devoid of spontaneity, or pleasure. Sometimes, the lack of sexual desire has a gradual onset and in others, its present from the very beginning. I am whatever to it now. So I stopped, and still nothing. I left the letter and a video of an Oprah show with a young couple and Dr. Phil. PDF Enduring Love? Couple Relationships in the 21st Century Survey Findings You can end this marriage if you want. And I, tired of # 3. suffering thru this now. He was my best friend's brother and I always had a crush on him, but I was too young. I have vowed to NEVER stay in a sexless marriage/relationship again. For the first 20 years I did virtually all the house work, yard work, paying bills etc. Fact time. Could you see it less as leaving your family and more the path to creating a healthier environment for your children? Hi Divorced Kat can I ask you an even more personal question? Nancy is another one of my guests whose husband was not interested in sex she said hed rather mow the grass. He still claims to love me very much and tears come to his eyes when we have a discussion about our relationship. Yeah, right! I think its almost impossible to work on a major health problem at the same time as working on your marriage most people simply dont have the capacity to do and by trying to do both, you wont be successful with either. Theres no way Bless this woman for all that she went through. NONE of that worked! What was the sex like before you were married? ~ Mandy, My concern about leaving my sm is our grown children. I go out on walks downtown in the city I live as my wife uses that time for our son or her mom: Saturdays is mothers day and Sundays is our sons day. Sex was not normal before we married either. I hate my high sex drive and envy that he could go that long and abstain. We have not had sex for 4 months. He was totally dumfounded and my comment went right over my wifes head! The feeling of being loved but unwanted is difficult to describe, it is so damaging to your self esteem and mental well being. Compare the two and then see where youd need to save or if you would need to increase your income. As someone said before, this feels more like a prison. Saturday night was out because she needed to get up for church Sunday morning. After My Marriage Ended, I Started Having The Sex I Really Wanted This isnt rocket science. He said he thought he could flip the switch from himself to me. Learn what you can do in a sexless marriage that will allow you to regain that physical intimacy and connection. Maybe a sexless marriage is OK, if both partners agree on the. Lisa struggled with a sexless marriage for over twenty years. Again I love her and I give her a lot of credit for being honest with me and being sweet. It did absolutely nothing toward her making time for me. Im going to have a talk with her again soon and just ask her if she is having an affair has ever had an affair or if she is trying to force me into having an affair. It feels like a prison. If that was the case, I think God would give you the grace and whatever else is needed to work through the situation. I am trying to formulate what I need to do to leave him and I will have to do it on my own without his help. I have always willingly offered it and been attentive to her so that she may enjoy orgasms before I do. I have stayed because part of me still loves her and sees her as the girl of my dreams and partly b due to my promise to God and her to never leave. Sorry girls but if you are frigid, rigid and mean dont complain if he cheats. Much like Lisa my spouse considered herself to be a wonderful Christian woman. 25 years v is a long time and a lot invested in loving someone and hoping they will continue to love you as much as you want / need. We moved countries and I went to a physical therapist this time to fix this issue last year. Your husband is probably fearful of life outside the marriage and part of what you can do is show him what that will be like and how he can adjust. Ive brought up the issue with my wife, but she says Im obsessed and need to drop it. I know that you didnt ask for any suggestions but investing in some therapy may help you enrich your future relationships. We went to counseling, marriage seminars, etc, etc, etc. Health & Sex Feature Stories Are You Spouses or Just Roommates? There is no chance of having a relationship with this other person for many reasons, so that is not an issue. I shared with her how just affection, not even sex, was important to me. I would get SO FRUSTRATED at times when she would push me away and tell me things like Im tired and its time to go to sleep or stop bothering me or giving me the body language, little jerks or moves that immediately says..NOT TONIGHT SO DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, that I would have to get up out of bed and go for a 2 hour walk! She verbally says I love you allot but to me her actions say something very different. Empty of tension. But, to anyone in this type of relationship I would say, run! Life is to short too live feeling unloved and unwanted. And its worse than breach of contract. Cheat, walk, or get used to masturbation. He has done a lot for me, helped me in many ways, I was troubled, to say the least, when we met. Those getting married: MAKE SURE you are sexually compatible. If you dont youll end up behaving in ways that will hurt each other more and harm your child. I love them much more than I hate my wife, but I have have been so neglected, that I cannot just live a normal life anymore. What I discovered is that the more I did at home the less she did and the more she volunteered for outside the home. There is some truth to that, but there also some truth the fact that Christians can be very sexist and some people are just idiots. Comparatively 92% of married respondents aged 65 to 80 reported no sexual intimacy in . I believe in God and am strong in my faith. Welcome to How I Do It, the series which gives you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a new person each week. I still love my husband, but love does not conquer all and it is not enough. I realize this is an old thread but I could write a book on this! I think weve had mostly downs and that its been consistently down for years, but he doesnt see that. If she is to tired every time she wants to set a date reply with That is a good day for our you and me fun time. I would advise you to legal advice and in particular whether your husband has grounds to seek financial compensation. My husband and I on this, its dont ask, dont tell. Even as Christians, I dont think a prerequisite for marriage is leaving who YOU are, at your core, at the door, and YOU simply fade away! Can this relationship be saved? This guy took one look at her paper and about flipped. I never looked at it that way, like neglect towards ones child. Read the next post and let me know what you think . After 1 year of marriage I knew we had an abnormal sex life and now after 20 plus years I can hardly look at self in the mirror. Eventually, we just accepted longer periods than I thought most people had between sex .Age changes things, the woman in the story above was 10 years younger than her husband.,At the. In a 2015 survey conducted by Pew Research Center, 61% of respondents cite satisfactory sex as an important part of marriage. It would also be helpful for you to accompany your husband to medical appointments so you can fully understand his medical condition. Women dont care about sex at all. She was forty-three when she ended the marriage. Im having a hard time being pleasant. I am a 39 woman with almost 12 years of marriage and I also have a sexless marriage. In one of these group meetings we were asked to take a sheet of paper and list all of the things we were involved in and all of our obligations. So this went on, Im like can you come to counseling? No no no no, no. So I went by myself for six years. As soon as manipulative wife verified she was pregnant this time there was absolutely nothing for one week shy of 11 months, sex once and then nothing for the next 6 months. Being together is good and all. Maybe I should just reap what I sowed. I,m in a tough situation as are most who have described their problems on here. Honestly, I wish I was the way you described your husband. Is it no surprise then, that I did find someone else? TELL HER TO GET OUT Tell her shes a terrible wife and you want her gone. No sex before marriage (she didnt believe in it and neither did I; both Christians). Right now I am quite depressed. It was bad, but in every other way he was perfect, so it was really confusing to me. We never had a honeymoon but our first night together living as man and wife we did not have sex. I have been married for 7 years and was dating my husband for four years prior to that. I cant remember the last time we snuggled or were affectionate, the last time she kissed me like a wife, the last time we made live, or the last time I saw her naked, for that matter. She would give oral sex all the time I dont even think I ever had to ask. have been going for 9 months. There arent many women I speak to who say that so that should give you some warning of whats to come. WTF would anyone stay in a sexless marriage. I am a great husband and father. Our first 3 years were very difficult times because I never thought there were man with zero libido. The only time the nightly phone calls ever stopped is when Mommy Dearest decided she wanted another grand-kid. If youre looking for other resources, theres my coaching program which has a complete track devoted to making the decision and one on preparing for divorce. From the outside the world thinks were great, my wife seems oblivious and Ive given up talking about it. Salty I think most of us would wish to be able to have a conversation with our spouse, say that the marriage isnt working and for them to say, Youre right. And then to work cooperatively through the divorce. At that point I stopped. Now cry and now Im mad he wont talk about it. When to Walk Away From a Sexless Marriage - Divorce Women want STRONG men. This is why I got divorced at 33 I finally realized I was going to wake up one day and be 50 years old and still in a sexless marriage. After 35 years of no, I no longer care and am ruined for any normal healthy relationship with anyone else so theres little point in leaving just to be alone. The sad thing is that when youre not getting any, you get used to it. I did the extreme dieting, I got breast implants, I did botox, I hired personal trainers, I did everything. Nothing, absolutely nothing for the next 9 1/2 months; sex once and then nothing for the next 4 months. I was seventeen, he was twenty-five. What if I asked for an open marriage? The wife is usually the cause since 46% of women are sexually dysfunctional. We are also Christians and did not have sex before marriage. Aria I agree with you Ive heard from plenty of women who enjoy sex and when theres no sex, theres always an underlying reason. My libido shot way up. Its been a source of discussion in our marriage and earlier on we went to marital counseling. July 07, 2021 An emotionally supportive and caring marriage is a good thing. An environment where you can be the best person you can be because you are free from the negative energy of your marriage? Been married to my second wife for 40 years and I am now 71. Tricia I have several thoughts for you. Every time he said he wanted to work on it and swore he would make changes. Thank you for sharing this I totally agree sexually compatibility is important and if there are problems, its important to talk about them openly and honestly and as soon as they occur. No one but you, and in my case, ME, can answer that question. Once youre well, then you can both determine if you are able to work on your marriage. I am over it. I esp relate to husbands sleep apnea and thyroid issues. I dont care anymore about anything and will say sexless is just the way it is and dont want to talk or be with anyone. If he needed something from me, well Im patient, empathic, stubborn and good at listening. My wife has refused any sort of intimacy, since pregnancy 4 years ago. She sees first hand what sexual issues cause in a marriage, but it still has changed nothing in our own marriage. So overtime Ive improved in that area greatly being more attentive to her needs But the frequency was horrible every 6 to 8 weeks. However, some men may find their sexual performance hindered by erectile dysfunction (ED), which . So I said to him, Were you abused, are you gay? No, no, no, God no., Is there something wrong? Sexless marriages involve a loss that remains unspoken and, frequently, unaddressed. 3 or 4 nights a week, Id come home from work, bathe, get bed glammed, invite, to entice, my spouse, nothing! The other dad wanted his daughter so he could avoid making child support payments. Ive been through this. WOW! Years went by. I personally think that marriage is SUPPOSED to be THE most INTIMATE relationship you can possibly have!! Enduring marriage definition and meaning | Collins English Dictionary Ask Dr. Sherry: 'Should I End My Sexless Marriage?' | Essence If I have someone pushing, or pulling, or not dealing with their own work, or who wont be patient with me, I dont want to deal with it. Hes diagnosed with low t, hypothyrodism, sleep apnea. Ive not been honorable to you.. She even enjoyed some back door action again without me demanding anything. I wont go into a long rant, but I believe it would help if women were more honest about sex prior to marriage.