Try writing a first draft to just "let it out." If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. If you feel like you are over-engaging in your parents comfort without getting any support back, back off. November 20, 2013, 11:44 am. Its better to be independent than dependent. Thats really not a reason to act the way youre acting toward me. My husbands parents do the same. My Mom Loves My Sister More Than Me, & It Has Damaged Our Entire Family Whether this LW has parents like that I cant say and your question is a good one because sometimes people dont see what they have, just what they dont have. We're only two years apart and . I just cant think of where. Parents often do it because one of their kids is in more difficult circumstances than the other(s), but circumstances change. I went from sort of resenting this situation (I was a teen, after all) to just being grateful that my parents helped my brother. There are lots of twists and turns to all of the situation the the current result is that shes divorced. She got a car, expensive vacations in Spain. I put my hand in my not very deep pockets and paid for a professional removal firm. More than a decade later, the researchers used a new molecular method in 2021 to confirm the skeleton's sex as part of a broader study on the discovery, and they got quite a shock. He needs it. This could be a matter of you not asking when you need help. November 20, 2013, 2:11 pm. Any time I ever asked for anything, no matter how small, I was turned down. Try to find peace within yourself. They love us not because we are smart, beautiful, successful or we have a good sense of humour, but just because we are their children. Ha! I eventually realized I resented not because she gets more stuff, but because she asks for more and doesnt feel guilty about it, and I just cant bring myself to do that. Standing off to the side, alone and purposely left out, is the ostracized black sheep. I would think about *why* you feel you are owed something from your parents? I can only speak for myself, but my parents HAVE given thousands upon thousands to my other siblings and not me. So I understand completely how you might be annoyed at them treating you differently. Cause that would be a nasty surprise. November 20, 2013, 12:50 pm. My sister is student loan debt-free now. Children are not self sufficient. You can watch my previous story to find out what happened back then: https://youtu.be/-puNu3Dkqr8 And today, I will tell you what happened after my second sister, Mia, was born. Now, this guy makes over 100,000/year. 6) Therapy. They play favorites. Be thankful that you are smart enough to start a family when you are ready, which will be best for your future child. I like one child more than the other sister - Page 2 - Dork Diaries So maybe, LW, your sister is embarrassed to be living in your shadow. Sure, people are going to have feelings, but that doesnt make the feeling ok. How to Make Your Parents Love You for Who You Are - wikiHow Black sheep. Okay I have a semi-off-topic question but kind of related. The ability to budget/save/invest/etc will help you out tremendously in the long run and you KNOW this, so stop resenting your sister. When was this made the rule? Your parents may very well think that you have everything in hand/taken care of and dont need help. Money is just money not love. Tell them how you feel and see what they say. My parents are certainly free to do whatever they want with their moneygoes on to explain why they really arent. 3 Ways to Deal with Parents Treating Other Siblings Better - wikiHow What is with people thinking theyre entitled to their parents money?! However, I do NOT worry about situations where I cannot control my impulses to snap at my parents about this and I definitely (DEFINITELY!!!) Seriously though I think what you really wanted was some understanding and commiserating. Its crazy to me that so many suggest she should just ask the parents for money. Turning it on them or yourself wont help but your feelings are valid. Examine what's making you fume and make sure you aren't overreacting. Because asking for help would be like being like her needy sister yadda yadda, vicious cycle and repeat. Your sister will likely continue to spend this way until your parents die. Dont MAKE me come over there! Maybe that perspective will help you deal with this better to think about how much less your parents would have if they ALSO had to help you. I think the fact that you cant let this go and that it has become such a HUGE thing when youre not in any sort of desperate NEED for financial help from your parents means its something way bigger than money, though. I know how you feel, my oldest sibling has gotten a shitload of money from my Mom. Yeah? I just think that people are entitled to their feelings, and that feeling bummed out about something that feels unfair does not make you a bad person. Funny, Im in exactly the same situation. While I dont blame her for the petty tit-for-tat thoughts (Ive done it too, in my weaker moments), I do think the amount of thought and emotional effort shes put into this is insane. I love coming back to pick sides though. Just make sure you work out a payment plan, unless they decide to gift it to you. I do believe that the squeaky wheel gets the grease or in this case, the stunted child gets the financial support. They dont love one or the other of us more, they just love us differently, because we are different. Buster from 3b??? And that its on you to earn your own money and not take handouts. As LBH and other have pointed out, theres a disparity in lots of families over who gives whom assistance, and how much. She could go away for the weekend, or say that her and her husband have been really stressed by work lately and they just want a quiet, relaxed weekend together or say that they want to start some of their own traditions. And personally I think if she asked her parents and they said omg yes, we would LOVE to help you with being financially stable to have children she would immediately feel a lot better and more loved. I mean, LW is looking down on her sister SO HARD because OMG shes not good with money! This surprised my MIL, not because her kids are greedy but because they are the type to not spend anything in order to give to their kids. Its about more than just the money. Also I have the feeling this has a lot to do with your relationship with your mother.If you feel like she loves your sister more then you, thats not ok. You say it like its very clear and the most normal thing in the world. 2M is in a trust I wil get 1/3 some day but my wife is disabled and I took $3,000 from my Moms account and she had me prosecuted and I have a misdemeanor theft. As a result, they have no careers, no ambition or any other healthy form relationship. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. I think that sometimes, parents are inclined to look out for the weaker childnot necessarily that they love him/her more, but they realize that one of their kids needs more help. So smug. I hurt! My mom uses her as an outlet to live out some sick pipe dream and my dad loves to act like dad of the year so of course, he loves to talk about my sister to his colleagues. The sister will manage to need everything the parents have while they are still alive. And on the flip side she might be so far down the rabbit hole thinking about the relationship side of things and holding on to that tangible thing (the inheritance) that she cant see how kind of lousy it sounds. lets_be_honest People disagree. < Really? If me thinking its messed up to see your parents as a bank, then I guess I am smug and self righteous. If thats actually the case, then I feel very sorry for her. November 20, 2013, 9:28 am. Holiday get together just stink when greedy siblings are always getting extra help. I said it too though I was more critical than LBH I think the LWs attitude is terrible and I find her whole way of thinking really off-putting. The Prodigal Son (Daughter) is the so old that it is biblical. I definitely want you weighing in when I inevitably have to write to Wendy again. I am more financially responsible and my mom wants to make sure there is money for the grandkids rather than squandered on my sister. If the sister didnt get anything, would the LW be just fine and not ask for help? Weigh carefully what you think youll be getting out of the conversation and how much good you think it will do for you and your parents relationship. Money when had should go to those who need it most. Shes already broke and needs financial help! There is no amount of money that will make up for this fact. You can be grateful that you werent the favored child because in the end you will have the better life. So, my mom sent me flowers a few weeks ago because I was depressed. It hurts now but in the end you will have the better life and you will be glad you werent the favored one because it is so destructive. So yes, we can see maybe it isnt about the money and this is a quick fix, but maybe she just needs the reassurance that they do love her and are willing to give her the money. Mind you hes in school an NOT working at all. I havent read Wendys advice yet but had to get my gut reactions out now oh for the love of god please!! As for the money, Wendy is right- If you want money, ask for it. I have a similar issue with my parents and siblings. She was rather clear that she isnt exactly swimming in wealth. I said so you would have given me money to help me be successful. I know the LW doesnt feel it or know it yet, but she is the lucky one because she has the ability to live an emotionally mature and financially stable life. I would hope that parents would be fair but their money is their money and they can do with it what they want. Diablo, when I first started dating my boyfriend, I asked him whether hed be willing to deliver pizza if he ever had to in order to make ends meet. I felt really sad reading the letter too, because I can relate to it both from my experience growing up and my husbands. November 20, 2013, 10:50 am. This is getting annoying. The only thing you can control is your reaction to the situation. Its hard because I think we all have moments of I want what they have! Agree with this 100%. November 20, 2013, 4:34 pm. I know it sucks, and its awful, but if you ask and they say no, theres not much you can do. If you would ONLY ask in reaction to your sisters situation, as kind of being treated equally thing, try to let it go. But its about your parents and how they treat you. Id feel absolutely horrible taking from my parents. If the LW had framed this letter in a different way, I think that a lot of the responses would be very different. You can make sure that you apply your family rules to all of your children equally. Ummmmm me? you were going to offer, but then you thought better of it. I can relate to this. The favoritism hurts but in the end you will be so much farther ahead because she will have nothing and no skills and no job history. Thats why I tried to reframe it by telling the LW to reflect on how she FEELS about the situation, especially how she feels less loved by her parents, and resolve those feelings. November 20, 2013, 2:43 pm. When it comes down to it, LW, what your parents do with their money is none of your business. If I were in this situation, itd be really difficult not to harbor anger and resentment! When I asked why I couldn't have the same, my parents answered . Perhaps talk to your parents at an appropriate time, away from other family members. Didnt get it. We saw this within my grandfathers familyhe was one of 8 children, & the one that got the most help (and was cut the most slack) from their parents over the years was the proverbial black sheep. Im about 99% sure that everything is just to be split 50/50 between my brother and me, which is fine. It worked for your sister! Not one person being the punching bag or being left out. Haha Thank you. I sometimes even feel like I should run away. Thats batshit, & its not your business. I agree with iseeshiny that the lions share of the responsibility for the effed-up-ness is the parents, not the LW. Since the sister is such a mess, it doesnt seem like shes just getting money, but attention, time, etc. Also, I would not get into the will issue. Even though I know that if I said that I would really hurt their feelings. Put it on speaker! Other sister and I have decided to just kiss the money goodbye so that we dont have to act or make decisions or have a relationship with our parents based on either greed or sucking up for cash. Shes getting married this year and I dont know if the Bank of Mom and Dad will close or not But the point is, we fortunately dont *need* our parents help, and I know it gives my husband a sense of pride and accomplishment that what we have earned what we haveit was not given to us. So what do I do? I disagree with them. I love this! Writer at Thought Catalog. You dont (and shouldnt) have control or any say in how your parents spend their money. I agree that depending on each situation, a parent may have to help a child more than another. LW should be proud that she and her husband are self-sufficient. Because while it might feel like its about you its not. You chose to take it personally. November 20, 2013, 3:46 pm. November 20, 2013, 12:24 pm. Grilledcheesecalliope We were too poor to pay the medical bills, but too rich to get any help from social services of social security. The LW is so broke they cant even afford kids and are drowning in student loan debt? You may think its about the money but its deeper than that, it boils down to thisyou think your parents do more for your sister than they do for you so therefore, they care about her more. They decided I had a heart murmur and so I told my mom because I figured someone should know if it happened again. I guess theres a good chance of that being true. If it were a different situation I think I would accept help, but Ive never actually been in that position. Whereas I am unemployed after losing a long career but looking hard for a job, taking grad courses that I pay for (they also paid for her phd), and live in a one bedroom rental and never ask for or get $ help. I was about five seconds away from sticking my head in the oven. 25 Signs Your Parents Like Your Siblings More Than You - Ranker As is common in abusive situations, the perpetrator with the power and resources keeps her powerless and silent and her will suppressed with the Boomerang technique. Its not really about the money. I can see where one sibling getting a house and the other getting nothing would be hurtful and upsetting, and I think that while its wonderful that DW has so many commenters who would have nothing but the warm fuzzies if they were in your shoes, not everyone is so selfless that they wouldnt be upset by this. Now that she has a child, your parents will maintain status quo because of the baby. Fast forward to 5 years ago when father-in-law is retired, most of their savings is wiped out by the bad economy, and dhs youngest and the favorite son decides hes quitting his job and going to cooking school. Seems like the LW still has a decent relationship with her parents, she should say something and maybe consider counseling. Its going to be gone and there is nothing you can do about it. The black sheep has stunted emotional and cognitive growth, while the white sheep has healthy and normal development. It's normal to be unsure about where you stand in the sibling hierarchy, but if you feel like your parents love you less than your brother or sister then that's probably exactly what's happening. Maybe the expression of their love and support is much deeper than the financial assistance they give your sister (the assistance that she asked for and that you did not). But if you dont need it, I dont know why you would. My father's called Giovanni, my mother Sara and my sister Zoe. But these are my prime earning years, my sister makes 3x my salary, and it just doesnt seem fair for me to move to a town I dont like, make much less money, have the burden of caring for my parents and then have everything split down the middle when they die. My Marriage is Falling Apart. I have no idea why you think your parents favor your sister over you. This is her story. I am so grateful they stepped in and provided him with thousands of dollars that I will never see/receive because if they hadnt who the F knows where he would be now. Does my situation make me sad? And even then I only engaged when she mentioned me by name. You can create your own support group and spend time with people whom you love like family. My parents are divorced but i'm not sad, with my mom I have a cat and we love it so much. He was left exactly $1 in the will, with the comment, For all you did for Momma and Daddy. That is one of our favorite family storiesdont mess with Aunt Ruby! Even though we were all too smart for it. It is a sad way to live your life. Im suggesting this because equating your frustration with financial inequality between how your parents treat you vs. your sister wont make this issue go away. But I do know from experience that if we need help in the future both of our families will be there for us. And in this case, it doesnt even sound as though your sister needs the help. Having been through what the LW has to a degree, I would guess that everyone focusing on the money from parents issue, is missing the forest behind the trees. The child who seems to be thriving often has hidden, or not so hidden, problems and needs. Your friends might also have parents who favor their siblings over them, too; talk to them and find out how they cope, or just vent to them. Maybe try asking them advice, that you dont necessarily have to follow, about some small or big things in your life. Its not about things being equal; its about them being equitable. And they GIVE him $55,000 of what little retirement savings they have left to go to school and he hasnt paid back one penny to them even though he promised he would and hes been out of school for 2 years. Meanwhile your other sibling has a safety net provided by your parents that you will never have, that spares her this terrible anxiety and pain. The truth is that in order to be financially responsible and not incur debt, we need to wait X years. It doesnt always even out, but its close enough that we dont truly resent each other. My moms philosophy on this was that I lived with man and so I should be independent. I never resented my parents for not giving me money because I knew that it meant I was stronger, more able and in their eyes, less of a dependent. It does suck and it is extremely unfairbut you know what? I havent read the advice or comments yet, but UGH I hate how much we FREAK OUT about debt in this country. They are giving her money because she cant handle her own shit! This favoritism can manifest in different. If they want to reward her sisters bad budgeting there is nothing the LW can do about it. I have literally zero life and instead of trying to boost my confidence or just leave me alone so I can do my best to climb out of this situation, my family complains behind my back that Im getting loads of extra help from my parents because Im allowed to live at home in my 30s. This is actually a compliment, however backwards, to you and your husband. Ask the Parents for equal treatment now. Plus a bunch of things like accounting, cleaning, helping out my dads business for free. And now I get to go have a work birthday lunch, and I hope it involves beer. Let the money go. But youre not getting (see how gross that word is starting to sound?) Yeah, I have no clue whats in my parents will, & neither, Id assume, does my brother, & I dont. Even if we are there and she doesnt show up at all we dont get to stay in that room. honeybeenicki It worked for your sister! Where was the part where I said suck it up buttercup and move on? Father can we end this call saying what we love about each other, Mother when I tell you this good news, I want you to not say anything critical please, Father, I really need $X to hold me over for this month, do you think you could swing it and Mother are you proud of me? are all perfectly fine requests.