I learned something fascinating and comforting but of little help to me other than that: guys often have a hard time separating who they are from what they do; its especially apparent in professions- Im a mechanic/ lawyer/ fundraiser/ banker but also when a lady tells the guy that something he did doesnt float her boat, what he hears, and thus defends fiercely and immediately, is youre a bad intentioned, unworthy character! I ask them to consider that regardless of their intentions, and regardless of whether they believe it their actions are harmful, that radical validation and consideration builds trust. If you are married to a wife who controls you, but you're still in the marriage, it means that you truly love her and that you want to make the relationship work. No longer able to hold my tongue, I told him that it made me feel badly that hed already been drinking and that hed failed to make a reservation for our anniversary dinner because it demonstrated a lack of care, that I wasnt important, etc. Im not saying I didnt have any work to do, I did, and I went to the individual therapy. Filter any request for change as a pass/fail for categorizing you as a good or bad man. If you both brought the very same talents, skills and interests into the relationship, one of you is redundant. Helllooo, yourself! 5 Warning Signs You're in a Toxic Relationship (And It's Killing You) Toxic relationships can be enormously damaging; either you'll see it now or somewhere down the line. I wish he would have used you. However, if Im doing something that is hurting her; arguing that she needs to act like an adult while continuing to do the very thing that is hurting her is not going to end well. They can only change their behavior, but they dont need to stay in place and live a double standard where he is expected to have a higher standard of behavior than she holds herself to meet. Ive adjusted beliefs before because of ideas youve shared. 1. You are so much better off without that in your life. As if it were that simple. My intent is true. In your scenario the independence-first guy has good intentions of getting a tree planted and job done for all to enjoy. You came into my life like a star. Embarrassment. If I cant understand what is happening it makes it less threatening and easier to make a different choice to change the dynamic. It is simply true in my humble opinion that people who have such black and white thinking of whether they are good or bad are going to be very bad at relationships because their focus is going to be on defending their status not on the relationship or the other persons needs/wants unless they align with confirming their status as good. Fear. But actually, they ARE hurting them (inadvertently) When a woman talks/cries about her hurt and upset, what her husband hears is: I cant do anything to help her, She thinks Im inadequate Nothing I ever do is right. The idea of leveling up is helpful to me. Everyone gets busy. Sorry. Again: ADULTING!!! I should say the dichotomy HAS existedI do think the needle is leaning towards more fluidity in gender roles, and makes room for the person vs the gender. Imho it ends by understanding what you think and feel (which may require upleveling) and your default moves and trying to also understand the same about your spouse (which also may require upleveling). It is important that you can recognize the signs of a controlling partner, as well as the know-how to set healthy boundaries to avoid these situations. For example, wife says something in a less than skillful way her husband is unlikely to have the skills to respond to that non-defensively. Im glad to be back too. The first way we make everything about us takes place during our conversations. What defines who is a bad or good person? I hope other couples in trouble find this before they go past the point of no return. Im not saying this is appropriate for an abusive situation. If the husband can do this consistently, the entire cycle can be largely avoided. Like most things that happen socially the pendulum swings wide one way, then the other until it settles into its Rhythm. I think its great for Matt to encourage men to examine their own behavior. There are things the wife can do to help prevent the cycle also, but often more difficult since there is already hurt involved. This can quickly spiral as the husband feels attacked even more, and the wife feels completely invalidated. The husbands whole physiology changes so not only does he feel inadequate, but he also feels ATTACKED for BEING inadequate. It becomes a soul-sucking endeavor when ppl are so hyper-focused on all these psychological states and how they come into conflict with one another. It is my greatest wish for you that all of your future birthdays are filled with acknowledgment from people you love and the pleasurable nourishment no frozen corn dog could ever provide. I feel hurt by it, my wife might have said. Sometimes your relationship comes to a position where your partner just can't stop blaming you for everything. I agree that the differences are not as black and white as some narratives hold up. You're the right in my life. 10. She blatantly flirts with others in front of you. 'Euphoria's' Dominic Fike is on the verge of pop stardom, whether he 5 Warning Signs You're in a Toxic Relationship (And It's Killing You) I know it still exists. Maybe it should start from the cradle? What can possibly happen that turns your queen into a witch? Sometimes, its simply our blind spots that were not working to eliminate. I am with a man who appreciates me and my need for me time as well as us time. His wife is likely only trying to convey how she feels hurt/ignored by his failure to talk to her and consider her feelings/thoughts. LGBTQ protections: Supreme Court says certain businesses can refuse They recognize relationships depend on giving up that kind of self protection so dissent can be navigated. But the back & forth has the potential to be never ending. The fact that she is married to you does not stop her from flirting or being romantic with others, and that too, right in front of you. For whatever reason u popped in my head tonight. The best tactic is to have a discussion with your partner about how it makes you feel. Hopefully you wont think so either. I never would have planted a permanent tree without consulting him. She has normal thoughts and says . Husbands. Embarrassment. Oh my G-d, this brought me back in time. If you dont have time and energy- totally understand. Its not that youre a bad person. The hard thing imho is that most people marry people who have similar levels of relationship skills. Our energy immediately funnels NOT toward alleviating their pain, or expressing concern that something is wrong, or demonstrating that were willing to understand why this hurts so that we can be trusted to not do this same thing again (because pain is most often caused not by harmful intentions, but by things we never even realized were happening). Insist that you ARE a good man and not like those bad men whom women mistakenly marry and should leave. Something happens, resulting in our partner experiencing pain somehow. Impact vs Intent is the current theme. Every Wise Woman: Part Two in the Homemaking Series And we think of the other person as weird that they cant see what you think is normal (which often isnt). But I can see how it may have come across as a way to excuse it. It is, aside from becoming a father, the highlight of my life. This can be especially true if they have low self-esteem. The bad thing happened because he totally forgot about me.. In fact, his intentions were likely good. But honestly, Im not sure what we are disagreeing about. I am constantly trying to find better ways of understanding and changing and your blog has always been a rich source of thought. When you start playing a new video game you dont have a lot skills yet. Thoughful comment. Does that make sense? Im running on fumes and dont know what to do anymore. The invalidating/validating is downstream from the root issue imho. U struck me as someone who deserved a happy healthy relationship , Anyway I hope u have n that u currently r using ur growth n learning in a loving productive coupling ya know reaping the rewards of the time spent analyzing your brain your life your relationship ups n downs n getting that well deserved second chance at true love . Fear. Shortly after I got home from my office, husband arrived home and then we headed off to a restaurant near the beach for dinner. When men meet one another, we often ask, So what do you do for a living? Or may ask about hobbies. Yes, I know where you are coming from Matt. Can you do that for me? Its Tuesday. Im hurt. Sweet things to say to your wife are one of the best ways to show her how much you care about her and value her. Of women want love and men respect. I think sometimes comments get mixed up here, which sometimes leads to confusion. But that not the *real thing going on* imho. But maybe I am not understanding your general objections. Not on earthly things. Get creative, even hand-make something if you have an artistic inclination. While maybe I should have been grateful he took the initiative to complete this task, I was upset. The assumption isnt supported by research. I always made things about me in my marriage, even though I would have told you I thought of myself as an unselfish person and valued the idea of selfless love. You can have great adult skills at work or with friends but it requires different set of skills in a marriage especially if you have style differences that dont match. We both had to go through a lot to get where we are now, and I think we are better people for it. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Not a hug. Everything feels wrong, and when things hurt and feel wrong, our top objective is to get back to . Its clearly black and white thinking that leads to making it ALL about you. Danielle. It is not just men. That removes every wrong. Then my ex would announce a week before that he had made plans to go running with some friends that day and not understand why I was upset. Part of the other side is that women after some time of frustration women often begin to think in terms of they are good and husbands are bad and as thats when contempt creeps in. I appreciate your willingness to consider new ways of thinking about things. Instead, I need to examine myself and make sure Im not in the wrong or dealing with a blind spot on my end. He doesnt care about you, your feelings, or even your actual safety. However, being in a more liberal community and working with people who have a wide range of life experiences and self expression I dont run into that as much. Our critics picked six films that you can catch up with over the long holiday. Your comment imho sought to add to why I should think about that premise as social conditioning. After a few minutes of him shrugging it off and generally dismissing my feelings, he tossed me the car key and told me to fuck off. I drove myself home. In reality, the husband is likely trying to make the best decision, and may even be considering what he thinks is best for his wife. That takes their focus away from upping their own game skills and the skill of the team to advance because focus is having to be diverted to reassuring you when you screw up. However, he fails to talk about this with his wife, so she doesnt get a view into his thoughts on this. Just reschedule, he would say. If you think of the decision-making process as a math equation, wives and mothers (often just women, in general) rarely fail to consider how their actions might impact their partners or anyone they care about. You Came Into My Life by Anonymous. PS this is something I personally have to do to work so while I definitely think there are often gender expressions of this in marriage it is not only a male thing. Its awesome to see you.). It is necessary imho to NOT think in those terms or you WILL make it about you. We tell hurt people to stop being weak, and then we tell them to stop making US feel inconvenienced by their pain. Your experiences matter. But more a rationale of why it existed in the first place. I need you, I want you, I cannot cope, help me. Its like having a lot of skills as a golf player but the game here is basketball. I love him despite his flaws but I need emotional support too. Really hits home. I still love him but I cant live the rest of my life this way. Unless youre both psychic telepaths, or prefer written correspondence, actually speaking to one another is the preferred way of sharing whats happening. Imho (and experience) having the final 2 is not sufficient if people hang onto the black and white good/bad thinking. I could see my daughters marriage was headed towards divorce unless she and her husband figured out how to communicate. 8 Signs You Are Married to a Controlling Wife & Ways to Cope - Marriage.com So when a man becomes selfish in her mind does she understand the reason it became selfish? The dictionary meaning of manipulation is "to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfair manner". I agree with your general point that this pattern is frustrating for all and that adulting skills are needed. Where is the balance? And this isnt some halfassed endorsement of stoicism or anything even remotely akin to that. Anyway, Im assuming u werent replying directly to Beth. The strong, silent type works in the movies, but not in real life. The defensiveness, the invalidation, the incompatibility, et al.they are largely mostly BS. And lets get real here and cut to the chase: women/wives dont dictate the boundaries of a relationship. I do think many men enter marriage with the idea that they are supposed to lead and make decisions, and they tend to make these without getting input from their wives. Making Everything About You, Part I. Perhaps a well-intentioned person who hurts you as much as an overt abuser is even less trustworthy, because the results of their actions dont match their words. Theyre real and exhausting when you have to beg for someone else to notice. And gave me love . I promise to show you, my wife, that I love you in all that I do. When I wasnt invalidating my wife by telling her she was incorrect about what happened, or invalidating her by telling her the thing wasnt as big of a deal as shes making it out to be and therefore should not be feeling so hurt by it, then I was invalidating her by defending my actions or good intentions. It drives me crazy how prevalent it is. I asked him to separate. I cant help a bad person become good. My dearest love, my darling valentine. my husband wishes that I was more understanding and supportive and didnt point out all the selfish, thoughtless or just plain oblivious things he does. Get out, and get out now. The pain stems from the idea that your partner, and possibly your family, are not even part of your thoughts when you make decisions. Lets talk about the two primary ways that we sometimes make everything about us which our partners experience as neglect and abandonment for several years before they stop wanting to be with us. 7 reasons your spouse blames you for everything - Times of India The feeling that conversation could be taken up at any time (while respecting healthy boundaries) and even across distance, communicates a sense of closeness and helps construct a sense of shared space. Its more fear driven vs. need driven. You cant succeed by having your teammates have to spend their focus on reassuring you that you really ARE a good player even though you made a move that got everyone killed. But, nearly every day, theres evidence that you dont do that same thing for them. Although it may have been too late for me even then. Wow Just wow. If both can work out a system where categories are agreed upon to use interdependence (like big financial decisions or what to have for dinner or what to plant in the yard) and categories for independence (like one person handles the finance, one the cooking, one the tree planting decisions) then its all good too. We need imho to level up beyond that way of thinking. I think where many of these things go off the rails is what is said is you are a bad/selfish/whatever person. But I have to trust the person I choose to have a relationship with to define the boundary. When asking for help results in not getting any, and constantly being accused of being weak, or dramatic, or unfair, or controlling, I understand why you would no longer trust that your spouse has your best interests at heart. Your wife doesn't 'have a comment on everything'. He wants to feel useful and valued for his contributions. 3. Satan is a deceiver. Clark, I agree that adults should be able to deal with things in an adult manner. But something like the tree, where its pretty clear no malice is intended. I dont follow why you frame it all as a cycle of validation/perceived invalidation rather than relationship skills for what to do when feeling invalidated of the other person saying they feel invalidated. Whether it's work, the kids, yoga, or helping out a friend in crisis, your wife always has her hands full. The story we tell ourselves (the narrative) is often a distortion of sorts. "My spouse blames me for everything." Does your husband or wife seem to accuse you all the time? Set your mind on things above. On the other hand, Im really sorry to hear about your daughter and grandchildren. Keep up the good work. I shot off a quick reply to your first comment and should have explained what I meant more. "The other day, she picked a fight. I dont think Im one either. Should have written togetherness-first and independence-first as the categories. I am happy to hear you can find a way to help people improve the way they think about and do things. How To Deal With A Negative Spouse? (5 Steps To Freedom) It was January 2016. Requests to have an adult conversation, to come to mutual agreement were met with being put off, only to never come up again. I reminded twice. She was in a great deal of pain and (understandably) became very emotional. To not think and invalidate the other person as crazy or wrong in their styles. Yea. I know the survey that book is based on is flawed and in research women and men *both* want to feel respect and love. The decision does affect the wife, so she feels like her thoughts are considered unimportant and she is ignored through the entire process. Then when I would get depressed and angry because my social needs werent being met, he would tell me how simple it was to just pick a time and go out with my friends. Many of us though arent fortunate enough to have had these skills in our family and friends so we enter relationship with a off kilter expectation of what normal is. This form of manipulation often operates on three factors - fear, guilt or manipulation. There seems to be this competition for whose contributions are more valuable.