By clicking Post Your Answer, you agree to our terms of service and acknowledge that you have read and understand our privacy policy and code of conduct. A controlling partner may demand to see your recent chat history, or . and she's feeling that she's falling in love. You must log in or register to reply here. Dear Amy: I'm an out and proud gay woman. The only woman in America that actually LIKES the Three Stooges :kick: How is she trying to change you? They eventually moved to a suburb quite a bit further away and we lost that just because we couldn't get together easily. not smiling while setting boundaries The good news is that with open and honest communication, there's hope for your situation. They may disagree and try to persuade you, but don't smile, look them in the eye, and don't give in. If Mary is the one asking Alice (through Bruce) to help her, you've just put them into the situation of having to say any variation of "He's not interested, he doesn't like. I am who I am. From your descriptions of Alice and Mary, you don't think either are to blame, and perhaps they aren't. You fear for your friendship with Bruce. But there's a big difference between helping someone who needs a little help and completely. You need to very sternly tell Bruce that you have made a choice that you're not interested in Mary and that's not going to change. A lack of safety in the relationship. He [Bruce] never explicitly told me [why he is pushing me into the relationship], despite the fact that I explicitly asked. Oftentimes people nag because they feel like there's some 'negotiating room' with you (think telemarketers, peddlers). Tell him why you don't want to be in a relationship with Mary (or in general), try to explain how being in a relationship won't be beneficial to you, as a bonus mentioning something that your friend and his girlfriend do that you feel uncomfortable doing (just to point to him out that you and him are different). I guess specifically, your advice is good, just more absolute than I'm inclined to give: OP knows their Bruce best, and exactly which reasons for it he's already explained vs. not, so I would advise OP to consider if Bruce is the kind of person who would be more likely to comply if they genuinely understand the reasons, and if they're likely to actually do the mental work to really "get it", and if he feels confident Bruce and he can keep it from turning it into a debate? | SoSuave Discussion Forum Hello Friend, If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE. This insistence in meddling with your love life doesn't seem to be coming from a desire to irritate you or change who you are, but to improve your life in a way that has improved both Bruce and Alice's life. Smiling in an interpersonal situation with the intention to set boundaries is one of the single most counterproductive non-verbals. Is My Girlfriend Trying To Change Me Or What Not the unwashed masses. Then change the topic to something more pleasant. I have learned four programming languages, LaTeX, circuit design, and robotics on top of completing a BSc and MSc in chemistry and I'd say it's simply because I have devoted 100% of my time to myself. One of our biggest fights that we've had in the past, more than once, is about how she wants me to change. He might ask you about your reasons. New Season Prophetic Prayers and Declarations [NSPPD] || 6th July 2023 This isn't definitive, but it might give you a direction to follow up on. They're wrong, obviously, but they're not trying to hurt you. Kidnapper told 12-year-old she would be his sex slave. So please stop it. A former prosecutor and attorney . Bruce making decisions that are not up to him is problem that needs to be solved. If so, then OP might be more benefited by giving the reasons than not. My advice would be to talk about this with both Bruce and Alice at the same time. Browse other questions tagged, Start here for a quick overview of the site, Detailed answers to any questions you might have, Discuss the workings and policies of this site. I come from a background of social skills training, but do not know any material specific to the US (though there should be lots of solid material, as US research in social psychology is famous in the field). Personal growth is fantastic. From what you say, I don't think your gf sounds like a bad person, and I don't think she's actually trying to change who you are--if she didn't like who you are, she wouldn't want to be with you at all. It was great. What's that about? I would be reading a book, and he made a comment that Mary would love it. Just shared that so you understand that this is an actual thing - single friends, while great, have different experiences and have different interests and habits than established couples will. You are beginning to be conditioned to the idea of spending time with your friend with the negative feelings of being pushed into a relationship you don't want. It's aggravating when someone nags you and you know they're right. CNN . Ask what he needs to have happen in order for him to respect your boundary? @yo' He never explicitly told me, despite the fact that I explicitly asked. Is there a legal way for a country to gain territory from another through a referendum? This is a sort-of yellow flag for a relationship between friends. Learn more about Stack Overflow the company, and our products. I'm not interested. Girlfriend trying to change me. Explain the situation to her, and say that you would be delighted to remain friends with her, but you do not want a romantic relationship. if Bruce is "source of idea about relationship with Mary" - Alice could tell him to stop. This is a nonverbal signal for him to respond. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding. Why does my girlfriend keep trying to change me? - Quora And no, he won't break a friendship over this. By telling her directly that you have no romantic interest in her, you will either let her off the hook, or she will be able to tell Alice that you have talked and agreed to remain just friends. Eventually you may just not want to spend time with Bruce. So let it be written, So shall it be done! Ask Amy: Parents refuse to acknowledge their daughter's girlfriend The best way to handle such a situation is to make some distance away from it in your mind. And that doesn't say anything one way or another about whether or how much I like Mary, but it's gotta be my choice and my interest. I'm sometimes like Bruce to my best friend and I'll tell you my motivation and what my friend uses to tell me no. Remember, nobody's perfect, and you also probably have things that your . Anonymous (30-35) so, I have a girlfriend that is trying to change my style pretty much. And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women. Have a girlfriend of 8 months last Wednesday I went out of the blue to see her we started to kiss and cuddle when I asked if I could lock the door. I have never had a problem finding a sexual encounter or a relationship however I have simply never been interested in relationships. If he's really a good friend he'll back off and respect your boundaries. Ask Amy: I told my girlfriend exactly who I am and now she wants me to Painful? If you can show you're confident in your decision, it will back up your words. It is IMHO okay to try to push someone somewhere unless you are hurting them, but it is not okay to be dishonest about it. We like the same kind of comedy, the same TV shows, we both like live plays and amateur theatre, similar music, mostly the same restaurants. I Shouldn't Have to Accept Being in Deepfake Porn - The Atlantic Thankfully I met a wonderful woman who, from day one, accepted me for who I am, faults and all. Bruce isn't being intentionally deceptive, he's just being evasive. I would recommend you agree with them that you and Mary are alike to start the conversation on a positive, agreeable note. Don't see it! So the next time you meet up with them, watch for signals between Alice and Mary -- who is the instigator? I understand that you want to set me up with Mary but if you try I'll have to tell Mary directly that I don't want to be with her and you'll be just creating a awkward situation for Me and Mary. It creates emotional distance. I've been in the situation where we had a "best couple" that we hung out with all the time. We've been married 30 years, and what we have in common is we both like the same entertainments, at least an 80% overlap. Making statements based on opinion; back them up with references or personal experience. Moreover, OP says he already talked to Bruce and he didnt stop. They're probably pushing each other to keep trying to talk you both into a relationship. When you disrespect your spouse, you break down their self-esteem, hurt their feelings, and demean their sense of self. A lack of trust in your partner. You keep coming here and asking the same question and getting the same answer over and over again since you started this relationship. Mary is not the problem here, Bruce is. If that changes, you'll be the first to know. Is my girlfriend trying to change me? So stop it. Site design / logo 2023 Stack Exchange Inc; user contributions licensed under CC BY-SA. Do not forget to mention that you tried to stop it and that it is uncomfortable. She asked me if I ever worried my time would 'run out'. It's certainly misguided, and your feelings are absolutely valid, but as it stands this problem isn't a reason to break off what sounds like a well-founded friendship. They invade your privacy. Have you got an idea why is he doing it? You can try explaining that while they may see it as a fun challenge to hook up two mutual friends, you see it as invasive. while not destroying my friendship with Bruce. Whether Mary is interested in you, or whether she is being pressured by Alice, you both have a problem that only the two of you can resolve. This wasn't special - they are in a relationship - but he went on to say that they had agreed that Mary and I were perfect for each other, and that we should begin dating. if Alice is "source of idea about relationship with Mary" - she will stop pushing Bruce into it. This might or might not work depending on your arguments (or your friends stubbornness) so to seal the deal tell him. He could tell her that Bruce is trying to set them up and tells Mary that he doesn't plan on acting on this and if she is being harrassed by Alice. I very clearly explained to her that I am not worried about that (men don't really have that strong a biological clock) and politely but sternly told her that her views on what's 'normal' are not representative of everyone's views on what's 'normal'. rev2023.7.7.43526. Bethany, 73, found that her husband changed in positive directions . You've made your point. @mtraceur : I think signalling my disapproval is useful. Now, instead peeing back, I suggest a clear and assertive stand. She has never bothered me since. She's divorced with two children in their late teens, and I'm a divorced 55-year-old self-employed builder. Good work, @Katie! Here's a link if you're interested: http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797612475095. Neither of us drink or smoke (anything). Another variable is that Mary is the one pushing this (mentioned in comments). Meanwhile, Volodymyr Zelenskyy has . - Dating Question No one? In case that this is what you want, please stop it. (wrinkle forehead, eyebrows together) "But I really don't want to.". Anyway if you're not involved, @MartinBonner I understand the frustration and anger, but is that sort of condemnation constructive here, except perhaps to signal to others your disapproval for this behavior you think is bad, for whatever sociological gains that gets us? Note: I'm not worried about my friendship with Mary, unless Mary does something rash, which would be addressed in a different question. There are also your . Something like: Hey, Alice, can I ask you please. Signed, Happy as I am. She will probably be more understanding about it than Alice and Bruce, if only because it's an awkward conversation. If you're not ready then you're not ready. Vice versa on spending, I can easily spend a thousand on an impulse, she would never. Answers here need to support themselves with explanations for why they will work. is another signal to convey the importance of a message, specially when combined with rhythm in speech and head movement. Putting the practical advice first really helps put the focus on the actual answer-to-the-question, and creates a very different first impression. The motivation is that they think that you are scared to be in a relationship and that being in a relationship would greatly benefit you, that you're having wrong impressions on what being in a relationship means. 2. If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE. Forums What does that mean? @Imperator I understand this. So that he understands that trying to set you up with Mary might have consequences, If none of this works and you do get in the situation that you have to be alone with Mary for some time I personally find the best. She wants reassurance that the relationship is stable and you aren't about to vanish. Thanks for contributing an answer to Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange! If for some time you're not understood and not respected then you don't have a real friend. The best answers are voted up and rise to the top, Not the answer you're looking for? Being it important you will need to understand your friend and for that, you'll need to ask Bruce why he wants you to be in a relationship. Thank you for visiting and have a great day! I agree that Alice is probably playing a supporting role in this matchmaking, either by pestering Mary or urging Bruce to keep trying. The OP might get into a more awkward and uncomfortable position for no reason by telling Mary about this. Brazil: Kidnapper drags suitcase holding girl to be his 'sex slave If they insist you tell them why, you can say that your reasons are personal, and ask them to respect your decision. Try to get a promise that they will drop it. Saying just 'no' probably won't suffice so I suggest dealing with the problem at it's source. Or maybe Mary has decided You Are The One. He asked me how I was doing in school (he knows full well I'm at the top of my class), and when I mention how well I'm doing, he responds 'oh that's great, did you know Mary is at the top of her class?'. You have to live to your life. If it happens with Mary and I, it happens, on its own. Relationship with a friend's ex-girlfriend. If you try to talk about something Bruce is interested in, who intervenes? This sounds like they decided they want another couple to hang with, and the combination of you two as that couple for their social purposes sounds especially appealing. The Secret to Power and Confidence with Women, How to Become Almost Completely Irresistible to Women. Have you used this solution in a similar situation? Asking my friend out even though I have a girlfriend. If it's just a guess, it's probably not a good fit here. But talking about the social or political aspects of work, which she understood, was often more beneficial. Hi Jan! In what circumstances should I use the Geometry to Instance node? If you guys are into tacit conversation, you might make it into a daily routine where he pretends to present his case and you pretend to decline in a quick exchange of gestures. They'll just see them as excuses and try to dismiss them, which will only hurt you and make them feel more justified in trying to set you up. started subconsciously bullying you about your imaginated relationship with Mary (I'm making such reasoning because you politely asked him to stop but he didn't).