Are you doing better now? Marriages, where the husband checks out, are more likely to end in divorce. We have been married for 30 years. You two either discuss the issue (with or without help) or it will continue to eat away at your marriage. i just have to lose the weight and see what happens i guess. Whatever happened to love is blind. Doing something new, traveling, working out togetheryou dont certainly have to dye your hair or get more toned. It's hard for me to say from a distance what's going on, but I will say that if you are angry when he doesn't respond to you, he may notice that, feel like he can't please you, and withdraw even more. Before surgery, I would shy away from full length . ETimes is an Entertainment, TV & Lifestyle industrys promotional website and carries advertorials and native advertising. Fortunately there are scientists who interview a number of clinical experts, former porn industry workers and the victims of porn and create this fact based documentaries that contribute to the project of total ban of this destructive precedent: https://brainheartworld.org/, Thank you for sharing. Some of the issues in the article are relevant to my husband and I and some not. One pattern Ive noticed with both men and women is during the period when theyre dating or are looking for a mate, they are often far more cognizant of their weight / appearance, but shortly after marriage they often eliminate the weight concerns from their list. According to experts, there are some subtle signs you can look out for. Ive been staying there and we talk about future things, but he is still a little distant. I asked dhim if there was anything new he wanted to try. He wraps me up tight in his arms which makes me feel good. RelationTip: Show up when you say you will! His libido has decreased over the years and theres always been a reason but now there is none. I lost affection towards him and I want to leave this marriage am tired he is not caring neither loving .he doesnt kiss me nor looking at me naked, Thats tough! Life is too short. This is not easy at first and takes alot of courage to initiate, especially if you are financially dependent on him and have no other means of support. So I choose to forgive him but I cant help but feel he is still lying and is not physically attracted to me anymore because Ive had 3 kids and my body isnt the same as when we met hes even hinted weight loss. Recognizing that men and women both want to feel desired may contribute to healthier relationships. It probably took a lot of internal debate and struggle for your husband to come to you with this concern. Ive thought about asking to open the relationship for me but I dont want to have sex with anyone else, just him. Thank you so much for the respond. My pleasure. Its so scary to take the steps to stop a relationship and it takes time sometimes to know if its right for you or not. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2012.756841, Bogaert, A. F., Visser, B. Has your partner sought help for his porn addiction? Men are only attracted to young women. And now with quarantine, sex is so difficult. Since finding out he has been more touchy then he has in the past but is it temporary is it even real? My husband and I have been married for a year, and together for 3. Both of them Im still friends with today. He wakes up in the mornings around 03:30, showers Leaves for work, he used to get home around 17:00, now for the past 2 weeks he has been getting home around 19:00. Put all that porn mess out of your mind. I have asked him about it before and he said the reason he didnt try was because he didnt want to give me the impression early on that sex was all he was after. I do not want to be made a fool of ever again. I want my man to get me off. Women believe that men react to lets have sex as we instantly get aroused this is a joke. To touch me. I am so tired of hearing its the mans fault. It may be possible to get back closeness just be showing your husband some affection. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40, 323338. And i just kept trying and trying and now its like i just feel sorry for her because she cant control her health issues, and shes not at all at fault. I thought I would have that county of women supporting each other. A man and woman should first and foremost, be connected by their hearts and spirits. Cookie Notice one fine morning when I confusing asked if he could explain to me why he seemed so distan h e told me he no longer felt chemistry with me. I have been back 14 months and I dont know if he is still sober, he says he is. Next we had an open conversation about needing to put more effort in to getting fit together (bike riding together, encouraging each other to eat right, cooking healthy meals together etc.) Dont try to pry things out of him, if he doesnt want to talk about. Its a tough place youre in. The women I was with, werent necessarily as attractive as my wife, but their attitude was incredible to the point I seriously considered leaving my wife. If your husband has stopped investing in the partnership, its a vital sign that hes disengaged and something is awry. Most of her time is spent sitting and looking at her smartphone. Yes we have sex about once a week and he usually makes sure my needs are met, but from time to time he complains that its too much work trying to ensure that I orgasm every single time. I do love him. You both need to feel wanted. I engage in personal sexual health to maintain ability. Again, I could be wrong here because without talking to you and him I can only guessbut I can definitely tell this hurts a lot. Do you think there is still a chance for us or is it better to let go..? Im spicy in the bedroom and change it up a lot but i honestly dont think im his type. We will not be liable for any loss or damage caused by your reliance on information obtained through Our Blog Post. As a brother sister family bond. This state of affairs perpetuates unconscious bias which shapes development by presenting a restricted and constraining set of paths to follow and models to emulate. Im so hurt and confused. Youre not alone there and its a very reasonable request to not be called names you dont like (especially ones like dude that make you feel like one of the guys when youre his wife and would like to feel his love in his words, not some general term like dude that is used for everyone). Then listen. Im a 45 y/o woman who wants sex at least once a week and my spouse is a 52y/o man who only wants sex about every 2 months. Had four amazing kids, kept up my appearance even botox, etc..He just seems unhappy and to me its his problem. My husband stopped having sex with me, became a chronic masturbate, slowly became disrespectful, careless, reckless, emotional affairs at work, he pretty much turned into someone I did not know anymore this is five years into marriage with two small children. This isnt an uncommon occurence though. When I realized where he was all those nights when I was relieved that he didnt come home and found myself alone on a holiday I was devasted and realized that I do not want to end our life together and want to try again hoping we can change. I grew up in repressed religious home of pastors always telling me to control my lust issues. All that is very painful to experience. I never wasted my time with jealousy , l gave him free time ever since we got married to be with his friends, to have his space. Erectile dysfunction is affecting men at younger ages than ever before and its NOT normal. Id estimate 60 to 70 lbs. My story is so similar to Karens. We had a lot of time to build an emotional connection due to the distance but since Ive moved here he doesnt kiss me, touch me or make love to me. In his absence I have found more porn on his computer than I have ever seen in my whole life, drugs and a motel key in his wallet, no confirmation of follow through like meet meet here at this time or whatever but emails with someone on craigslist that say $45? 2. Reading it makes me wonder our next stage of life. i want to lose the weight but i am afraid that once that happens and he is interested again that i may feel resentful and sad. That is a relationship not bound by the restraints of marriage, judgement, resentments, duties and chores. <3. I definitely agree with you there. If he wont listen to you or talk to you I hope you find someone else to talk with. Ive given my life to this thing. We agreed that we both need to make more of an effort in making our sex life a priority. I conquer! Porn and media has is setting a standard that is simply unattainable for most people. And if youd like me to write any specific content to help you, let me know as well. And he just ups and leaves saying ha going to get lottery when ever he wants. 11 Signs Your Partner Isn't As Supportive As They Should Be Hi John. Quite frankly, I will probably go crazy on the first guy I allow to touch me. What do I do. Take care of you and your mental.and emotional health. Should have seen the red flags from the beginning but I over looked them writing them off as differences that can be worked out. Contact might include a rub of the arm, a snuggle, a quick kiss, and similar sensual or affectionate but not overly sexual gestures. Says Im too pushy and that he feels uncomfortable around me all because Ive asked a few times in the last week. Lit candles and roses are legit sexy. I just talked to him tonight how i feel, lets see if hes going to change. Let him go with grace and a smile. No two people will ever sync up sexually 100% of the time. Thank you for writing this. Why? Told her I loved her all the time. It saddens me that he is no longer excited with my body. Stop advising other women to leave their husbands. I wish people would stop claiming that porn is healthy. Your partners response says a few things: A man can get sexually aroused by looking at someone, whereas women typically need something else to get them turned on. He refuses to take any part in therapy. He said that he didnt felt that she touched him he said his hand was dead. He spends a lot of the time gaming and talking with his online friends (guys). To be magnetized to me like I am to him. My husband of five months snaps at me all the time and doesnt want anything to do with me. Do I stay in a marriage with a sweet, caring husband for whom I feel no sexual attraction, or do I pack up and leave, hoping to find someone who is equally sweet and loving, but who I'd want to sleep with (which would probably also mean I'd move to a new city and start fresh with a clean slate)? Any suggestions? My story is kind of opposite to most other women. Now the only one who can F this up is me. Due to certain health struggles that he is battling with right now he told me that he doesnt feel as attractive as he used to when he was younger, stronger and more fit. Might I suggest finding little ways to build in time-away Things like going on short walks, maybe having your kids stay with a family member for part of a dayOnly you know what will work, but little dates like I am suggesting can help immensely. (he has no real friends and goes no where) Men may feel pressure to be one way, and any other way may feel like a source of stigma and shame. Wow he think you are fool and had been fooling you since years. Nevermind couples counseling. Thanks for sharing Louise. Just didnt realize it before 3 years of marriage . My bet here is this there are other things that are off and sex is a symptom of those things. My marriage, which I told my husband I wanted to end last March, didn't meet the legal definition of sexless, which would have qualified me, in some divorce courts, as technically abandoned. But it was sexless in every way: declawed, defanged. Thank you for writing this article. Some of these comments are so shallow. Like it was nothing. I on the other hand have always been weight-aware, work out regularly, and Im very health-minded. I dont need my sexual encounters to go anywhere. Another reason I started therapy. Maybe he is gay (or indecisive). And when I dig a little deeper, many men confess that they try to hint by telling their wives about other attractive women. This is just a mystery to me. This makes me very sad. I am sorry you didnt have that experience and I appreciate your comment to Scott. I just want someone to desire me and it hurts when he cant get it up. I slept on it and have been thinking over the article and the comments everyone has wrote. I am curious, could you clarify your question for me a bit better? When a man wishes his wife would lose weight, he knows he cant say anything. He says one thing but in the back of my mind Im wondering if its because he doesnt want to hurt my feelings. So I really feel like there isnt much point. Researchers Sarah Hunter Murray and Lori Brotto tell us how limited and limiting sexual scripts are: Current sexual scripts for heterosexual relationships in the Western world stipulate that men should be the ones to initiate sexual activity, push to the next level of physical intimacy, and to desire women (and not be desirable themselves). At the same time, they report that while there is some evidence that sexual scripts may be evolving over time there is little research on mens need to be desired. About 4 months ago, after suffering for months, I was diagnosed with depression. I would do it everyday if I could. Firstly, he denied it. What if he hears whats going on and then takes his love away? Now, having left, having been gone for over a year, having seen what happened to his psyche when his tiny world, with his computer at the center of it and me at the edges, collapsed, I believe that his challenges were much bigger than our marriage, than me. You Sound exactly like me. 4 Stages of Adult Development: Where Are You? Youll only know by talking. I felt as if being dead would have hurt less then seeing what I saw. We both used to be very into fitness but not much now. He often compares European women to Australian women saying that he finds that European women look after themselves more and he finds Australian women to be more neglected. And at first I thought it was sorta kinky and really had no problem with it. We are juli ing just like roommates. All healthy couples have a vision for a shared future. Once I became someones wife, I stopped being Eva, in so many ways. What I mean by that is I have a bit of a belly. I was wondering the other day maybe even back then he wasnt that sexually attracted to me because if he was why wouldnt he have tried? I know he doesnt have a general disgust for vaginas because he has secretly masturbated probably tens of thousands of times to the vaginas he has seen in porn. In a nutshell if youre not his type or he finds you unattractive then why did he choose to date you? Even one will do. Id always thought been taught that my capacity for sexual desire was bad, and wrong. I hadnt. Was he turning toward me? I know how to get the balance right. Life becomes so mundane that the concept of romance may seem whimsical at this point. I had no idea that he had lost his attraction to me. A place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage. He doesnt seem to get hard all the time or of he does when it comes down to having sex with me it goes , i try make out am not bothered by this invaze it makes it worse but its an awful feeling when u think his attracted to you but cant keep a hard on when it comes down to having sex , Like many of these women I feel very unattractive to my husband he flirts with other women and makes me feel second he never wants to look at me during sex and our sex life has really went down hill he barely wants to have sex with me but has no problem getting turned on by looking at another women. He treats me horrible and is verbally abusive. He will want time with his wife, hobbies, work, etc. Tricia thank you for sharing and for being brave enough to tell the community here what is happening. How to deal with unfulfilled desires in a relationship? @yahoocom. I was so hurt by all of this that I think I lost 20lbs in two months from a broken heart then On month three of a broken heart I came down with kidney stones- 6mm and 2mm I thought I was gonna die it took an entire month for them to pass along with three emergency room visits cause I couldnt handle the pain through all of that and still my husband took care of my damaged heart and soul he stayed home from work the entire time I was ill with kidney stones and waited on me hand and foot. He doesnt hold my hand. I confront him, because I was in shock. Why It's Important for Men to Feel Desired | Psychology Today You are nothing but a mysongonist. I confessed my affair to my husband and we did couples therapy to try to get my romantic desire for him back. 6 Ways To Feel More Loved By Changing Your Perspective Let's consider a few ways you can manage your expectations and look at things in a different light, to help you appreciate all the things your partner does do to show you they love you. He said I love Twitter thots they are like porn but real he said that on our anniversary. Also, after doing this work for quite a long time, I personally believe (with strong evidence) very few people are truly wired to be in an open relationship. My problem seems to be the opposite then most people here. After youve tried all the possible things he wants to increase attraction, its time to consider something more radical. I was rushing, headlong, into nothing. I seen texts from a stripper he gave his number too and when I confronted him about it all he could say was nothing happened yet hed always leave me at home and go out with friends until 4am and Id go out and find him at the casino most times. Marriage needs a lot of effort, emotionally. Im just not attractive to him anymore. Lol. Not sure if he us cheating again, having a crisis, or switching teams. As he does not believe in it. I am so confused. If a man wants you to lose weight, get out of the relationship because the issue is really with HIS self esteem. Then he stopped having friends over closer to my due date , he started being sweet and caring again. In your case though, youre clearly not happy with what is going on, and its possible to change. I did not want to make him feel in any way embarrassed or attacked about masterbating, but more importantly how it was impacting our relationship. Sibling "survivors" have a special set of emotional needs. However, he no longer tells me he loves me. Not to get off the subject, but give me a break. It can sometimes be scary to share because what if you say the wrong thing? The week and a half earlier, after a long talk about rehab and hope, I had kissed my husband goodbye, because he had been on his way to California to try and figure some things out, and we were pretty sure wed decided to get divorced, or Id decided that we were going to get divorced, even as I was still wondering if maybe things would turn around, or if maybe hed come back to being the person I fell in love with, someone I felt I hadnt seen in a while. Im not going to leave him. It doesnt matter if your 24 and 110lbs or 50 and 170lbs. So if your husband is doing that, its possibly a sign that he wants you to look different. Then there were the men, well they were the worst, they treated me like a piece of meat. I thought about everyone Id had sexual tension with while Id been married, and called them up. I adopted the belief. I think its like weve become family but not as a couple. You may even start to think my husband is repulsed by me.. Your husband talking to you like one of the guys can indicate a shift in attraction. But according to her everything is my way all the timeand about me. He has gained weight over the years and so have I, but I still think he is just as handsome as he ever was. Future research into male sexual desire will be crucial on many levels, from societal considerations to individual satisfaction. I am 100% crazy attracted to my husband. I know you are probably thinking she would be better off without me. Often times married couples feel that they have lost the spark they had, when they initially started dating. If we look at the origin of the word, it could be traced back to the Latin word. What we can learn from one womans journey through grief to a new relationship. Not just being thin. Right?? If its Love i dont understand why its so diffcultmy guy 2ill get so loud while jercking off it makes me feel horrible..i try n talk to him and then an argument..id rather just have him OUT of my life than to feel so unwanted and uglyi feel i love him i support him financially n i get to feel crappy for doung so.i do love himbut i feel he sonr give a damn about me only wat i can give him Im fine doing it several times a week if not more. He is a toxic person and you and your baby deserve better. I wanted to have sex with my husband. My conclusion: As a women you can change the way your body looks but you cant change who you are. He claims he lives for me. Many of the comments talk about weight, my self-esteem has always sucked, i am 6-4 290 lbs she is 5-4 165, I find that body of hers smoking hot she says my looks have never mattered, my actions do, and they arent hot. It's important for you and your husband to know that smoking and high cholesterol can deliver a one-two punch to the delicate vascular system of the penis and dramatically interfere with erection. Nearly 2,000 words and the words kinky or weight are barely mentioned for a reason. All of varying ages. I worried its my body, I have gained 65 pounds since we got together 35 being the past few years. After a few dates he told me he loved me I asked why and told him I needed to know him more to say it back. People start younger and younger with this addiction. You get the picture. Im so sad. Thank you for sharing. For many, the answer is no.and here we are. I wear makeup and dress nicely nearly everyday. Everything little mistake my husband would pick on me and leave the house for weeks. If youve started to notice its a regular thing that he rejects or turns down your sexual advances, it could be a sign he doesnt want you sexually for some reason. My guess is, the issue isnt just her physical self. This is quite typical in the first few years. The idea that most men masturbate matches what weve found from professionally counseling thousands of married couples. When I woke up, still in half a daze from the anaesthetic, I felt energised. Let him come to you, 10,000 advice columns said. I wish I could put your brain into a skinnier woman that hurt me so much. He had ooen heart surgery last year and I expected a bit of a recuperation period but he just doesnt even try to have intercourse with me and says going down on me hurts his neck. Its important to have some eagle eye here and realize this is a small fragment of the reality of a marriage or partnership. I know this is taking a toll on your relationship. Of course the beauty diminishes when youre looking at someone whos carrying around far more weight than they should. For me, its about the woman I married gaining too much weight. I know it feels disheartening that your partner loses his erection when its time for sex. Id highly recommend speaking with a professional (more or someone else). Hes so loving in many wayshilds me cloae at night while we sleep, makes breakfast for me and dinner too when hes home. Suggesting hormone replacement therapy anything at this point would be awesome. I actually sat down with her a little over a year ago and told her I was struggling with my attraction for her. Ummm ladies it really sounds like some if these are cheating husband.. But quite often the root issue is something that only a professional can help address. The fact that many women do not feel sufficiently loved, attractive, and cared about in their marriage is not about attractiveness but rather about deeper underlying relationship challenges such as; how we talk about issues, how we listen, how we stay emotionally connected, and much more which is of more importance than staying fit.. We were very active in bed when we first got together and were fairly regular as time went on. Talk to her about it. I hope youll find the courage to go one step further and give me (or some other counselor) you trust a call. But still I stayed up played cards with them & my boyfriend started getting mean calling me names because I didnt understand the card game Ive never played, because I offered to drive his friend home to save him cab fair and because my boyfriend wasnt in a condition to drive. As we get older we stop trying and begin to focus on other things. The doll thing shows me theres some big issues at play that are not purely ED but more what is typical with physical intimacy and ED which is mental and emotional. She doenst take care of herself and her dreams like she used to. It hurts because I put all the effort in and he makes none. Your husband suggesting you lose weight isnt a sign that hes not attracted to you, but it could become an issue and make him lose his attraction over time. Thatll ruin a mans sex drive if he into it too much. To answer your question though, yes, there are many unhappily married couples who stay together. I know how hard this is. Compared to the 12 times we had sex in the past year and a half..hes been dropping hints I need to lose weight.