I have a father that invalidates my feels every chance he gets. I liked the part with all the affirmations. I admit in the past Ive done things to make her feel like I didnt care. But dont continue to suffer; there is no easy way out. If I share an idea, she says someone has probably already thought of it or picks it apart. My God I sent this site to him and not two minutes later he sent a text saying yeah ok Obviously he didnt even read it. Passion in a relationship should mean intimacy, laughter, and warmth inside your chest from your partner's love and your love for them. Your feelings are valid. He is cheating on you. Is this how my life will be in this union? I can hold on to my truth and also remain open to other peoples perspectives as long as there is mutual respect. At 34 years old she just sees my reason as an excuse. If this person repeatedly invalidates your feelings and isnt interested or motivated to change, you need to take steps to distance yourself and take care of your own feelings. & Im so confused about my feelings. 10 Early Warnings Signs of Dementia - AgingCare.com He never tells me how he feels. Family Manipulation: Signs, Tactics, and How to Respond - Healthline I work for my brother who who am extreme EI (emotional invalidator). He goes over and above for Janelle but wont do the same for the two younger children. Obviously I have demons to deal with too. I really appreciate the depth and thoughtfulness of this article and particularly the clarifying questions. Becoming short and snappy. Why does my husband tell his mother everything . I spoke about how I would like to get back to my former, more motivated self. Your overreacting. Mind you, this isnt the first time this has happened. 2023 St. John Celebration - Village Night 5.1 - Facebook The word ,,narcicisst is often used these days, but arent we all egoistic or dont listen at times? I sometimes think people who are mentally fragile take advise and create justifications but not self responsibility for very bad/unwell behavior. So later we get into a simple fight and he says that he unblocked her on social media because he was mad and is a revengeful person who just wanted to piss me off. Still swears he hasnt spoke to her. It has been a rocky road and Im thankful I learned everything I did to be here telling the story today. For example, when I shared my feelings to him that Im sad because I missed out many things I used to do before , or when I tried to say that I am unhappy, he will always come up with the sentence how do you think it makes me feel? Here are more signs that your husband is defensive: Overwhelming you with information to prove his point. Wanting to have the last word. I dont know what to say when she then says Im not validating her feelings. I've been in that place in my own marriage as wellwhen my kids were little. I often ask myself why I dont have the courage to leave and all I can come up with is zero motivation which is probably due to the low level depression being in this marriage has brought on. If I was sick and not knowing how to deal with the kids, while husband worked all day, it was, What do you think I did, I had to do it alone too, your dad worked such long hours. Thank you! 12 Things To Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You Laura, I applaud your bravery. Dear moms, at what point do you stop insisting on the father of your children to be more present in their lives? The bad thing is that due to her invalidation I cannot be friends with her-I dont have any emotional need met with her and dont feel safe with her. And I have to admit, it has been a challenge for me to not try to say OH ME TOO, that happens to me all the time, or OMG my SIL does the same thing LOL Anyway I am glad to have found reasons for why I am who I am! This whole relationship Ive never even seen him cry anyways our life for the most part is all around great. Abusers do this to turn things around and blame the victim and deny or minimize their abusive words or actions. Only when I insist and literally beg him to, saying that its important for our daughter to see him participate in her school activities does he come -albeit reluctantly. Your future relationship may depend on it. Not me, but the antidote is ground rules and boundaries. I mean on his own. Im stuck right now and its a terrible feeling. I have been away from him for a good time now. I can validate my feelings by reminding myself that all feelings are acceptable and have a purpose; my feelings matter and they arent wrong. From the Spouse of a Narcissist: Here's What You Need to Know Everyone needs to understand each others feelings, whether they are our parents at home, our husbands, or our siblings. Invalidation isnt just disagreeing, it says: I dont care about your feelings. 13 Signs of a Narcissistic Husband (And What to Do) - LifeHack I have questioned him several times to see if he has reached out to her. I have struggled with my feelings and emotions for the almost 6-7 years. It is Adult Children of Alcoholics AND dysfunctional families. I survived her emotional neglect because my father was much more validating, however I know my mother is very unlikely to learn to be a validator. An excerpt of it is below. Is it a good use of your time and energy to help them understand your feelings? I am the one who needs help, not him. Short term therapy: blame it on others). They refuse to validate the fact that the day I left my friends I was emotionally destroyed eventhough I rebuilt my life here. Therapy may help, but it wont get to the underlying problem, which is yall need space. Why does My Husband Defends His Mother Over Me? (Solved) When my in laws hear every detail about our marriage, they often give unsolicited advice which creates major animosity between . Ive become scared of telling him Im sad or hurt because it will end up with him saying that it makes him feel blamed about it. Especially these days since my husband recently past away. Thank you! But the consistency built up to where it was for everything I said. Why does my husband lie to me? 19 common reasons men lie When was the last time he talked about his feelings? If your partner does not make time for you, whether it be for conversations or even just catching up, then it is a possibility that they may have begun to take your presence in their life for granted. Under no certain terms should you be alone talking to him one on one. In this post, I'll describe both the seven traits of a covert narcissist and how these traits show up in marriage. All this time I have been so sad. Fortunately, there are ways to help or cope with a negative spouse. 1. In case you missed last weeks article, here it is: 16 Great Potty Training Tips from Moms. Does this person have a habit of invalidating your feelings? Are you looking for a way around this? I have tried everything I could over the past few years to break the chain, but not little success. Is it doing HER any good?? Its so sad because everyone looses. I then stated that it feels like a roller coaster at times waiting for tests and results, but I was happy. Dont make assumptions. Florence Schovel Shinn the game of life and how to play it is my go to for encouragement. And you dont have to put up with that. #1 They Don't Make Time Spending time with each other is a crucial aspect of marriage. I havent dated/kissed/liked anyone since. And cut yourself off from anyone who treats you that way. Its important to form relationships with people who love and respect you, who care about your feelings and want to understand who you are and how you feel. So when I presented to him the Sh46,000 school fees for our daughter, he expressed shock at how expensive that was, saying I needed to look for a cheaper school, within the range of Sh25,000 per term. After all these years I finally know. Obviously in my case it isn't. I caught my husband sexting a woman online and wasn't too happy about it. The harder you may try, the more frustrated you maybecome. I just felt upset I was sad and sometimes Id drink and that would make me feel upset at times mad at him and sometimes Id say mean things things I didnt mean . A common form of invalidation is when someone tries to cheer you up when youre sad because they feel uncomfortable with your feelings. I think most people would feel invalidated in the situation you described and being in a relationship where you cant express anger or sadness sounds very painful. It hurts me deep. My irrational behavior is often blamed on hormones or simply an overreaction on my part. Photos courtesy of Canva.com. And part of belonging to any group is to be known, understood, and accepted. And also scary. Tonight when my youngest son and I were home we had a bat in the house. But have you ever thought of your partner as total and complete people pleaser?. These kind of parents are called narcissists. Who knew the silent treatment could be so damaging? She did and does not take responsibility for everything that followed: her lack of communicating that shed been offended, her confrontational, hostile and punishing behavior during a 6 hour Christmas party. I love someone dearly but they constantly tell me that Im overly sensitive and emotional. 1. I just dont understand how I could have such an invalidating childhood and still be able to validate others, while others are so oblivious! I decided staying in our marriage wasnt in my best interest; it was very hard coparenting our two children because he became even more controlling after the divorce. Sharon Martin, DSW, LCSW is a psychotherapist and writer specializing in codependency recovery. He wants people to think he is better than they are, and that includes you - especially you. Or both? She also has a daughter who can be, lets say a whole lot more than difficult. We are no longer married. Whoa John. Not to mention I truly am not a mean person. I have shut down over the years and stopped talking about the way I feel because all I ever got was a stone wall, being completely ignored (literally just changing the subject or remaining dead silent as if I hadnt said a thing) and sometimes gaslighted or gotten some kind of passive aggressive contempt (eye rolling and sighing). My parents have been extremely invalidating my whole 25 years of existence not intentionally though. They frequently direct angry outbursts at you. Whenever Janelle is at home with us, he is home by 6pm and if it is on weekends, he doesnt go anywhere so that he can spend enough time with her. I told him that it was never my intention to blame him but this sentence always comes from his mouth everytime we had arguments and I shared how I feel. Abusers do this to turn things around and blame the victim and deny or minimize their abusive words or actions. My irrational behavior, as my mom puts it, is not productive and will get me no where. Your husband keeps secrets and lies because he has done something awful. Treating his spouse like a stand-in for his parents. Dont let anyone invalidate you. Yuk, its tough to say but Ive been in four abusive relationships, but as I heal, they were all better than the last. Your feelings are all kinds of wrong and underdeveloped. Reading your comment made me feel for you. Comment down below on your thoughts. What can I do to help her see how she is killing my soul? I found out later on that they had emailed after they ran into each other and he stated in the email that he got butterflies when he saw her. Hi Laura, I recently had a friend Ive known for several years completely turn on me because I did not give her my complete attention, and validate her point of view in a way that she deemed appropriately validating. At coffee with my girlfriends, on friend asked me if I heard about my daughters MRI results, my adult daughter has been dealing with sarcoma cancer and this friend was truly interested and concerned about the results. Dear Mr. Briggs, Whatever another persons gonna say or write to you, there are different opiniouns and statements from each point of view. Its excusing. He told me Im wrong about that. Then comes the prescription to detach with love which is not easy to do. Its great you have your Dad. Its just when this girl interferes, my insecurities get the best of me and he just doesnt care to understand. Please take note of his behavior when your husband belittles you. If you have a friend or family member who occasionally invalidates your feelings and is open and receptive to learning how to be more empathetic, you can show them this short video from Bren Brown about empathy and you can practice communicating your feelings using I statements. I feel that it is helping me to understand my mothers patterns. I know what you are going thru. I told myself in my head that it has nothing to do with me and that hes just an empty vessel and his dismissal of me is a reflection of his own issues. Hes not willing to do the work. reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2006): A Denying what you're saying. Then when my son came home from college the shower wall caved in. He actually applies for leave on these days so that he can be present for her functions. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Whatever the case is, this guide has got you covered. He went outside and saw the shrub on fire which caused smoke to come through the dryer vent into the house. I feel I get better at it with the help of letting go and through self validation and acceptance that she wont change but I dont have to doubt my own feelings or dismiss them as unreal or wrong bc she says so. Her continued irrational behavior at gatherings where she either summarily ignores me or is perfectly appropriate when others are watching. I know that this is a little late, and I know that more than a year has passed. Be forgiving. Your feelings matter. Having your feelings diminished, ignored, or rejected is a painful experience for all of us but even more so if youre a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) or survivor of abuse or other trauma. Oh my god..I have read this and have sobbed for hours. (Solved) April 30, 2020 by Alicia My husband defends his mother over me, a thought that goes through the mind of every married woman at some point. Hes counting on you to do it. Maybe there are other problems in the marriage. I found this blog post to be very insightful. I have dealt with this for at least 10 yrs and it finally hit me that thus is so wrong and all of the people who have dealt with the same feelings. We'll talk about why the covert narcissist is so hard to recognize; they appear so "nice" and "humble" and even anxious to please. I myself attended good schools, so I didnt see why I shouldnt give my children either the same or better. I wondered as a teen why so many of the nuns were so angry, mean and heartless. What makes my husband emotionally disconnected from me? Very confused and sad about it all. I dont know what to do. It's all about making the most of every motherhood experience. Hes not lazy, he is helpful, he likes to work and provide, etc. Have others minimized, shamed, or invalidated your feelings? Thank you!! And farout did I not realise how many of us there is actually out there ? Later he admitted they'd slept together "a few times." Recognizing. My husband invalidates my feelings all the time. We really dont know many of the facts here. They are a reflection of your thoughts, experiences, and perceptions, which is why two people can have the same experience, but feel differently. I can so relate to everything that you are saying, except that its my husband that is doing this to me. You cant scold someone who literally doesnt know any other way to live. If anything, I would advise him to seek marriage counseling. I now after reading this blog am starting to reconise that I was carrying on with my proposed marriage to my wife as she reminded me to my elder sister (the familiarity), as even my wifes brother always said she was bossy (I did not see this in comparison to my sisters awful behaviour). This is very hard for me to trust due to the messages from two years ago. Fast forward.. he had a ex girlfriend, one that he has spoken really highly of in the past two years ago they ran into each other at Walmart. Now as an older adult, we do have a lot easier time, but there are still the one uppers and the I know how you feel, and you are a strong person, etc. You can also follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. 14 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother-in-Law and How to Deal With Her Plus she is a good girl and Im always happy to have her around in our home. I dont mean after you brought up yours. I dont know how to them respond when she goes ballistic Im usually blindsided. I guess some people dont want to hear how you feel,I thought that was called communicating! This is understandable but rarely helpful. . They go on vacation about twice a year. I even get physical when I am particularly desperate because I dont know how else to get the person to listen, which just makes it worse. Hes. When I was scouting for a school our daughter, I selected a good school within good proximity of where we live, and the school fees came to about Sh46,000 per term. The first time I expressed to her that sometimes her sarcasm at my expense was hurtful and she responded by getting extremely agitated and leaping off the couch and saying, well I dont think this relationship is going to last. I wasnt trying to end the relationship I was only trying to express my feelings. Emotional Invalidation: A Form of Emotional Abuse Completely invalidated. I really struggle with some aspects of what youre saying as I do get quite defensive when my partner shares her feelings about how my actions have made her feel, but this is because I feel I havent done anything to her but she is nevertheless accusing me often of invalidating her feelings. For instance, your husband may lie to protect a family member or friend. I know youre already probably checking out, saying I know us better than this random stranger, well make it, weve made it this far. But have you? Janelle is a well-behaved young girl whose siblings always look forward to her coming home. You have entered an incorrect email address! I bet he was sweet, listened, and never made you cry. Id love to work it out but Im not sure if at this point it can be repaired . Its also important for you to care about, understand, and validate your own feelings. I cant seem to understand if Im playing the victim or my feelings really are being invalidated. You need the space and the breath of fresh air that you can only find being single (no, not sleeping around, single). The fact that you wanted to numb out with alcohol makes perfect sense; your feelings were invalidated, so you tried to dull them. My Husband Chooses His Family Over Me: What Can I Do? - ReGain Am I playing the victim or is he invalidating me? I wasnt popular in school, I was sort of down the middle, because I didnt stick with a friend for long, I didnt know how to stay connected once there was a conflict, and I fled, trying out different groups of people, always. He thinks Im twisting his words to hurt myself like some kind of victimizing game. Emotional invalidation is painful. Have you had any counselling around this? Many people get stuck because they think they need their loved ones to validate their feelings. If there is a conflict, I am ready to bail forever, just not wanting to deal with deeper relationships or discuss the conflicts. Children and discipline dont go together, cause Childrens may ,,test the rules Yet, itd be great if the both of you could get to terms with what rules you set together. His response is no every time. But you need to expect more than that. I know how unsatisfying this can be! My dad wants me hurry up and heal. He also attends all her school activities PTA meetings, sports days, open days, concerts etc. Youre not happy. Sometimes, its not even as much as the words he says, but how he says them. Required fields are marked *. Youre a prime example of Hurt people hurt people. Sounds like you need serious therapy & learn coping skills to manage your anger. Went to turn on the high gear and went on the low gear, that will keep the drive continuous and not stop the connection. Hi angie I read ur post and sorry to hear.. i just got onto this site and looking to see if there is support here for a male.. Im currently in a relationship where I allowed the invalidation of my feelings get the best of me . I bet he hasnt ever. My parents never validated anything in my life and at the age of 14 I decided I wanted to become a nun. My other friend angry responded to me, YOU have to let that go! Or you may want to write your own emotional validation meditation. They make decisions for you. Our first couple of years were great as most relationships BUT I am so scared to tell thus man about my feelings because it turns into a fight. Hes very disrespectful when it comes to me shares my opinion and emotions. If you ever notice that it is a repeat pattern where your partner invalidates you just leave. We had a fight on the night before my birthday, approaching midnight where I told him about how I was feeling, it escalated into a big fight and he stormed out without resolving as he got mad and said he always felt blamed. Especially those who have ever been in this kind of situation?. People married to these individuals might complain about having an immature husband who does not behave like an adult in their relationship. Its not just for children of alcoholics. I caved I gave in and gave up myself today. and I do see, the more I search, so many of my adulthood issues in social and mental health, have most likely stemmed from this childhood of mine. Feelings arent right or wrong. FYI, Adult Children of Alcoholics has broadened their name to Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families because the effects are essentially the same. I started to tell this friend that the results were good! Answer (1 of 3): it is not about disconnect, it is about switching the gears. What is a Covert Narcissist Husband? 1. I thought I knew her. IV definitely learnt something here tonight n am so glad I realise now why I have been the way IV been for pretty much all my life!Wow I honestly have just had the biggest eye opener of my life!. Thank you, so much, Sharon! You both can do better. Marriage Are you one of those whose husband tells mother everything even after years of marriage? I had to ask what she meant, and she replied, All this worrying about your daughter! It doesnt feel like it now, because being alone seems scary, and its easier to write me off as a random stranger who knows nothing about you than it is to think about how many ways this relationship is wrong, and how youve been pushing those thoughts away. I really handled it the wrong way. Nothing is going on except that I feel sad all the time. Im gradually developing strong feelings of resentment towards him especially now that the children are growing and beginning to see the subtle prejudice between his behavior when Janelle is around and the other times. There should be a group for Adult Children of Toxic Parents, as well as Adult Children of Alcoholics. n now here I am friken posting something ? I gave you this opportunity! Its so invalidating and draining and I feel like the neglect at work is eating me alive. Girl, crying more than youre laughing isnt a healthy relationship. female One day, my daughter asked me why daddy only goes to church when Janelle is around, and not on the other Sundays. I texted my husband but he never responded. I loved this article about invalidation and what to do with invalidators. Im really confused that Im supposed to validate her when she screams at me that Im doing all of these things TO her, and then not listening to her feelings or taking responsibility. NIGHT OF OPEN HEAVEN || DAY 46 [100 DAYS FASTING & PRAYER - Facebook