But he started doing random stuff like buying me a thank you gift for some work I helped out with, making me tea whenever he was around, etc. As a test question, Id ask that if he had a daughter, what qualities would he want her to have? Dont steel yourself. i dont want to hijack the blog comments with my own LE NC difficulties, so was wondering if there was a more specific place for that.. I definitely dont know what to suggest for you. So just wondering what your thoughts are? . And he doesnt want any more kids! I told my husband about my LE/LO and although it really hurt him, being open about it has really drawn us back together and we are now stronger than ever. Really, its the other way around. It worked as kept me from imagining us reuniting, but it did consume a huge amount of brain energy, that plus the 100 instances trying to imagine the worst possible future with him. You dont need this. When someone in a relationship was too good and enough, the other person can not always handle that. And we all thought we were on the verge of stepping out of the friend zone into happy ever aftering. They have been at their lowest and saw no end, but they eventually made it. We go through life hurting each other. Thanks again for your comment. Theyll bat you around as long as you allow them to. } It took me a long time to understand we are all different but the same in our uniqueness. The relationship with LO grew but stayed in the boundaries: no contact outside work, no hanging out alone, no talking about our marriages. But she didnt understand and still thought I was just in an EA with LO. limerance and it was like an epiphany OMG thats why Ive been obsessing about boys since middle school. Limerence is about seeing something in someone else that you wish you could be a part of. Dont ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Plus, and here prepare yourself for a massively egotistical blast, gentle reader, I am in most every way far more accomplished and a better catch than her new suitor. The feelings of attachment and intrusive thoughts and rumination and the pain of NC and the insomnia would all be worse. deciding to go No Contact, most limerents soon discover that detaching Can or should I ask my significant other to stop talking and to not associate with his ex? I was not limerent for her, but again, liked the attention. 5 years ago, before his current SO, he used to sleep around a lot, and he still has that reputation, which he is not ashamed of, he jokes about it sometimes. LO #2 said, I was afraid that one day youd wake up and not want to be with me. Thats because of him.) Am I right in thinking all of you had at least some kind of acknowledgment back from your LO? "acceptedAnswer": { There is no comparison when it comes to relationships though many of us will attempt to use the other women as a means of feeling better (or worse) about ourselves. I mentally fell in love a couple of weeks before I met him in person. What if its the spouse of your LO that asks you to let them know if you know any rich singles you can introduce them to?. Then a few months ago he had a serious health crisis at work. I was constantly testing him, I guess that is what limerence feeds off, uncertainty. Either case, it is (was) up to her to work on these issues with a therapist. 8. I have only marginally danced around an EA with my LO, and have found myself really wanting a PA lately, as she seems to want to get closer. this dynamic on for long enough, and you can get to a point where the natural I know it hurts. Love yourself when youre in the dumps (and when theres a dry season or a sad season, which there always will be) and celebrate each and every one of your achievements. Today is his wifes birthday, and Valentines is coming up friday, i cant stand the idea of them being together. An example of this is what one man said while dumping me: you know I really respect that youre a feminist, and maybe this is sexist of me, but I guess I want someone whos sweet and demure.. And thats totally impossible for me at the moment. Then it becomes an excuse. He was distant, but every few weeks he would be friendly to me in meetings. The limerence subreddit is also comforting, but please dont spend too long on there its like a stagnant puddle of limerents in the delusional phase and can worsen your state. When its impossible for feelings to be articulated naturally and honestly, you cant gauge what their true feelings are. He says he realized he was still in love with her (he wasnt) and that she makes him happy (she doesnt), but truly it seems to be about him choosing to be safe rather than risking stuff and working through them to be happy (he finally snapped when she announced she was taking him to court to define visits and child support). I messaged him to ask him why. I know what youre thinking: If I accept myself as I am, wont that stop me from growing, improving, and working hard to succeed?. Now the real question you should ask yourself: do you really want to make a man stay who puts someone above you? I can see how the feeling rejected part can be difficult in some situations, but for me this is not at all the case. LO #2 had a lot of very specific insight into what was going on and from the way she talked, I dont see how she could have gotten there on her own. It proved to her that I was capable of sticking around if I wanted to be with someone. Realize that you are not perfect nor is anyone else. And emails/messages arent much good because hes admitted he talks to her about everything. I felt it pretty quick with this one. } I know time will take care of the rest. Fred, I felt like a fraud. As an individual, you are not designed to prove yourself enough for another. Even if there was some sort of EA on his part, he never went as far as asking me for anything. Why does feeling you weren't good enough have such potency? And 22. When we compare ourselves to other professionals or other people, we only see what they show: their success, their smiles, and their happiness. A couple of months ago my dear friend and I were chatting over coffee. But LO is and has always been unavailable. Say no to people and activities that dont make you excited to see or do. Mostly because I started thinking about how it hurt me when LO mentioned that she was already with someone. It might have been there as soon as it was posted! The only difference would be that for me at least the LE wouldve burned out after about 12 months or so rather than dragging on till now (going into its 3rd year). Pay attention, each round they add another bullet. We still chat superficially at work daily and that is it. Work requires skill and competence. Start to value yourself, build on your confidence and see that you have a lot to offer people. If he completely ignores you and never speaks to you I wonder what spark hes giving off to keep you hanging on. . First, you can't take this personally. He has not unfriended me on FB. It is outside of my character. Limerence can, of course, certainly be associated with anxiety and depression and so anti-anxiety and antidepressant meds could take the edge off those symptoms. As a result, she might then start treating him badly (e.g. What would I say to her? There are 7 billion people in the world and we ghost walk in and out of each others lives barely aware of the universes of complexity that live inside each person we touch. Signs You Weren't Actually in Love After All It gives me hope to read that youve been thinking a little less of him after a few weeks. As always, Id advise purposeful living as the light to aim for. This also applies to with whom they interact with. And set my heart free. Maybe there is someone in your life; a parent, boyfriend/girlfriend, coach, director, friend . Even in a big city, you gotta find the right group. smashing through social convention, versus resisting destructive temptation), and whether its better to live selfishly and seek forgiveness or live selflessly and miss out on powerful experiences. If it tried, all the other cats would give about zero fucks and would continue walking on my keyboard without a care in the world. That's when you can start discovering what you do best, and how you can best serve people. The right one will. It has been a hard month. B I have to live with it and deal with it, for me there is no other option. Have you ever watched The Deer Hunter? Christopher Walken doesnt have to play Russian Roulette, he chooses to play Russian Roulette. Ive been limerent for 2.5 years and there has been no reciprocation or disclosure. Intimacy makes them anxious. We were all a diverse group of placeholders, friends, that didnt make the cut. I think for me it has to be intellectual rather than just physical. The one before was a straight married woman , Fantastic post, Dr. L. This rings true for me on so many levels. But And of course the ten months of flirting that led up to that point. But it's usually because someone we values.. In a situation where LO has admitted an attraction or crush, but does not seem to be limerent themselves (or perhaps just has more self control), the not good enough feeling is more like a not good enough to make LO act on her feelings. For me, as someone who is deeply in love with my SO and happily married, my LE completely turned my world upside because I truly feel like I now love two different women. He appears to have questionable taste in women. Its our inability to internalize and accept our successes. I said, actually youre right, that is sexist. Meanwhile I was thinking, Did you just join the Dugger family?? In those three weeks Ive swung wildly between utter embarrassment at my devotion to LO and confidence that my marriage is back on track to desperate to contact LO, to check on him, to know how he ishe almost died for Gods sake! .. if only a little bit. The overall package is a bit much for many guys. You might know better than to get back with an ex, especially if the relationship wasn't healthy. I have been down that path, too. He said I was perfect for him, but he chose someone else? My LO is someone I met in a bar exactly nine weeks ago tonight (every Saturday night I count the weeks). Because deep inside, we know were not being true. It is not my number one motivator. I know, talking is easy, just tryin to share my point of view. Her father was really gruff and her mother had all the warmth of a North Korean prison guard. But we havent spoken for months (I did see her at an unavoidable work meeting about six months after I started NC). Maybe not even with that moment you guessed at, maybe even with an even colder This worked before, maybe itll work again. Damn if LO doesnt have my number though. He does not really love his wife, but he needs her at home. I respect her for that self control that I just dont have. And a sexual relationship could only intensify this. I know there are so many of you that are wondering why the man of your dreams, your husband, your life partner, the father of your children left you behind. Which caused a few problems, as I was then kept out of the loop with work as a result. Whether its declining to do hand stuff with a stranger in public or leaving your spouse of 20 years, isnt the intended party deeming the spurned party to be unworthy of their preferred degree of intimacy? That makes you normal in my book. Mostly theyre just misfits. He (about my age, married to an older woman) joined my small company and there was an instant spark but interestingly he put large framed photos of his wife on his desk right awaythis was weird, as we all work in a small open space and few people have any photos up. Spend that time and thought into the real investment in your life: You. So, do you and me a favor? This was a picture she took for me, and sent to me live as a DM the weekend before we hooked up. Thank you for also giving me some perspective from your own story, specifically with you having had an actual PA. So Im happy to just remain a friend and help boost his self esteem. It felt like the biggest betrayal ever. I became extremely jealous because hes never given me his phone number in 3 years. You are good enough, to everyone and you should just smile and keep your head up and all you have to do is smile :). She could never say, He could have had me. I proposed, LO #2 declined. Im glad this toxic mentality got addressed. Since you didnt shut her down, shes driving the bus. Sep 13, 2016. I have been keeping myself busy, I walk, do Pilates, I work and am very active in my hobbies so at least I am finally productive again. Bottom line, someone didnt want you why in the hell do you want him??? Nobody seemed to understand how hard the miscarriage was on me and I felt very alone because of that and had withdrawn from all of my friendships and family. The nature of capitalism is that every second on this planet costs money. This article is coming at the perfect time for me as I have been having a low all weekend, first one is in so long and that is the one thing that keeps going over and over again in my mind.why wasnt I enough.then as horrible as it sounds I look at the woman he had an affair with and married and she is just so unattractive and homely looking which makes it worse because I had this image of her in my head that she was this attractive, fun-lovign person but from what I have been told she is far from fun-loving. Ive read Mrs Lee posts..is there someone else? Plus, why on earth would he want his wife to hang out with a woman he is attracted to and vice versa? That I considered my best friend. I finally got there on my own, but yeah, this is a best of FOR SURE. Youve been yourself for much longer than youve even known he exists. We may have days where we feel as though nothing changes or where we feel like we did not do as well as we might have otherwise, but that is okay. Why him? Fred, limerence can bring out the creepy obsessed stalker type in all of us. Now the guy is fugly and dont take care of himself at all, but hes maybe the nicest, brightest person I know. Theyve been married barely two years and within months of tying the knot they were already bitching about each other on social media and both still ranting about their (very recent) exes. And I know she likes me. Its designed for this sort of problem. This answer cannot come at a better time at my life. unemployed because theyre independently wealthy. Should I keep trying? However, for me, this whole experience has got me focused on weight loss and exercise. If you have self-doubt or insecurities, an appropriate question is why you feel these emotions, what's the root, and where the fear is. Chose to see our shortcomings rather than our strengths. Happiness will never come from trying to dance prettily enough to tempt an ambivalent LO it will come from making a good match with a partner that sees your value. And youre not wrong for not wanting to date them. Ive always been a big fan of psychology and neuroscience and i totally agree the reprogrammation is a great idea. So I could possibly look past the horrendously worded sweet and demure coming from a man, but only if its intended in that extremely specific way and he doesnt start expanding it into expectations about his partners intellect, ability in the workforce, or equality in making decisions in the relationship. I still hate myself for not being that something else. https://livingwithlimerence.com/2019/03/23/barriers-and-uncertainty/, https://livingwithlimerence.com/2019/04/06/the-loneliness-of-no-contact/. I know its not easy when its someone youre very attracted to, but its like it is with every other person youve crossed off for one deal-breaker or another. This in my answer meaning reasons that seem wrongheaded in Galeens comment. This is a great point to remember. Also, its obvious that the relationship has been an unhealthy addiction for you both, and pretty much taken out two marriages destructively, so its obviously not something to aspire to rationally (even if his wife is sticking with him for now, it sounds like a miserable life for her). Would your LOs have still been your LOs even if you had no special treatment from them? People pointing out my ex was using me didnt help. Its hard to shake off the negative thoughts. That and he bought her an expensive house soon after marrying and since she refuses to get a job, hes stuck paying the mortgage by himself. },{ But THERE WAS SOMETHING I didnt imagine it. Despite realising all of this, I was still under no illusion that I had any chance whatsoever with this guy. Very well written Maeva. Why him? At every stage of life women struggle to get paid as much as men; even an exceptional woman will be under rewarded over her lifespan compared to a mediocre man. I would start with telling yourself that you were good enough and things happen for a reason. Is there anyone you can physically talk to? Hi B Don't compare yourself to others. Job hunting is a harder situation for me to apply the wisdom of this principle, even though its probably equally relevant. You got yourself meals, suffered through hours of work or school, and maybe you helped someone else out and made their day a little bit better, too. Better than the false hope of limerence, for sure. I can't help but question myself each and every single time I think about you because I know that . I try to think about what I did that was positive. Re-appearing at random intervals over the years with heartfelt expression of ongoing hidden feelings but meanwhile they act committed to their real life, which some of the posters here seem to echo It really played into what I have since recognised seems to be my underlying lack of self esteem that I would still entertain the idea. Anything less proves you are still on board with the agony and bits of ecstasy a LE affords. You gave it your all, and it still wasn't enough. Talking to him I felt like myself again finally, I wasnt flirting at all. Ever since I heard But why doesnt he wanna marry meeeee? in When Harry Met Sally, I think especially our generation of women both 1) identified with that sentiment, 2) internalized that mode of thinking. Yes, it more than sucks that the man you call husband would consider anyone or anything else over you but honestly, if you think about it, do YOU really want to be with someone that is thinking about someone else? I told her that Id never cheated on her. When LO said he was interested in dating someone (and had the audacity to show me her fb profile), my heart skipped a beat and not in a good way. Your email address will not be published. Of course its not totally universal, but the trends exist, even among supposedly feminist men. Read Runaway Husbands..its many women talking about their experiences and you realize quickly men lack any uniqueness in their deceptive ways. At our christmas party, I just did my best to avoid them both. Hollyn - i wasn't enough for you (acoustic) - YouTube Needless to say, I draw a slight satisfaction from realizing slowly it could just be him, not I with issues. You must realize you are unique and valued. I also think my LO is kind of going through something like this with my brother in-law (eye roll, I know ). I hated that man, a man that cheats on a pregnant wife, a man that pays for sex, or a man that was weak enough to marry someone he wasnt able to be faithful too even in the early years of marriage. It could be that they are keeping secrets. You get desperate. Im content and optimistic, rather than manic and suicidal. like you got close makes it even worse. I am not yet divorced. We offset each other well, as long as we both keep an eye on the power balance and make sure its an even playing field. She mustve known that and known the effect of randomly posting it in February. When Post originally published on the Maeva Everywhere blog, Graphic Designer | Illustrator | Design Consultant | #AdobeCreativeResident, 2020 | Shruti.illusion@gmail.com | DM for collaborations . Self-acceptance and high self-esteem dont equate arrogance and they wont make you complacent and vain. Every word true, true, true. Or are you deep inside thinking you would have been very happy together, if you werent both unavailable with SO and kids? Whos your favorite character? impotent inaction, which starts to get distorted into resentment. But he would do the exact same thing to me. The only reason hes dragging it out is because he had already divorced once before and feels obligated to at least try to make things work this time around. Life is the same. So far I choose creative freedom, but there is a whole host of joy/community I have to trade for it. You should go help her. Not one. Adding: Do not EVER directly or indirectly choose to earn less money to avoid threatening insecure men. It is only fair that you be given an explanation! About a girl, Copyright 2020 The Coquette | All rights reserved, bitches. My husband cheated on me and today he was so drunk he sent me pictures of the woman he cheated on me with. And yet, he didnt. After an awkward goodbye, we both kept looking back over our shoulders at each other. So, choose your poison and drink. So reassuring and empowering. Is it really love, though, if its not based on who you are? If you insist on taking it personally, then at the very least, dont convert the heartache into self-loathing. Ive had men come onto me during my marriage but never was tempted or even had a crush until I met LO. If its just a way to get close to me somehow, then its a very odd way to do it. Giraffes, is that last word intended to be an insult or your signature? Wake up to the new reality and look up to the possibilities the future holds for you." I just need to work extra hard to avoid any form of encounter, and also develop some sort of force field just in case it happens again. He loves me but is too scared to move in with me, so what he wants, deep inside, is both of us. We were at a party last Saturday and a woman who had just met him, not knowing we were friends, mentioned they had exchanged numbers. LO is the president of an association in which we both volunteer. Your feeling is because of your thoughts that you are not good enough. I hope you can find it! So i frantically looked at all the terrible picture during one hour. Then others put us down no matter how hard we try. what you cant have is more desirable. I had no idea. How does one channel that feeling without making the self-improvement about how inadequate you are deep down? Well, then you get to he conclusion that who you are makes you unlovable. Instead, This weekend she suddenly posted a bunch of summer pics on her Instagram. It might have been a tribute to my integrity or it may have been a subtle way to telling me I didnt have the balls for it. Considering that limerence is caused by low serotonin levels do people with it get prescribed ssris or snris or anti anxiety medication or anything like that? You are not going mental, believe me many of us have been or still are where you are currently at. While it is important to strive to learn more, do better, and be successful, it is also important to remember that progress is not always linear. I realize there is regret both ways but they are incredibly different types of regret. This N/C shit actually works. Its got to the point where I now cant talk to him about any personal issues that my employees are going through because she hears everything I say and they know the wife. Stop feeling like you are an extension to someone who left you without any regard to your feelings. 1. Recently I posted a comment with a quote from Thoreau, the one from Walden about coming to the end of ones life and discovering that you had not even lived. Then the new wife actually came to the office and I got to meet her. Other than our regular weekly meetings, Im also member of the board which means extra commitment and responsibilities, and the 6 boards members have become close friends. Case study: Im unhappy in my relationship. you might be able to get them, because you at least got some of their Oct 2, 2012 By Elizabeth Wu For the fifth time I tried to calm myself down and convince him our relationship was worth it, I cried, hoped, and ultimately felt miserable. Every so often he will make some attempt at an olive branch and she just shuts him down. Why would you want men like that in the first place? I too have had really dark thoughts, including ending my life. My LO is a person I work with, we get to see each other at least once a week, but always in a work context and with a group of people.